BITING MAD

Even as we speak, I am so incensed that I am chewing the Calendar section to pieces. As you must know (see the July issue of Rodent Track), California, due to bureaucratic incompetence and wimpish fear, is the ONLY state to forbid our presence; for this reason along thousands of we gerbils (or is it “us” gerbils?) are gathering at the border preparing for the revolution.

Pete Gontier’s racial slur about ourselves and King Charles of Spain has not gone unnoticed (Calendar Letters, Aug. 11). Warn him, that one night, when he least expects it, we will descend on him and destroy all his crops.

COMMANDER FANG

Gerbil Underground

Marina del Rey

Gerbils are cute pets from Scarsdale to Seattle, but in California they’re banned as potential agricultural pests. These threats to the California way of life as we know it have been accused of causing famines in India and carrying the plague. Gerbil-harborers here can have their pets seized and destroyed and get a $500 fine and six months in jail.