VIDEOLYMPICS : A LOSING SEASON FOR ROCK VIDEOS

In the mood for watching a few videos? Forget it! ‘Tisn’t the season--or so it would seem from VideOlympics’ latest sampling of what’s hot and what’s (mostly) not. Maybe it’s just the lull before a storm of great videos that’ll come with new albums about to be released for the Christmas trade. Or maybe those whiz-kid directors have just run out of ideas. Whatever the problem is, an astounding eight out of this month’s nine entries fell in the dreaded “Tune Out” category--put there by the scowling panelists joining me: Robert Hilburn, Dennis Hunt, Richard Cromelin, Kristine McKenna and Chris Willman. Ratings system: 80-100, don’t miss; 60-79, recommended; 40-59, watchable; 20-39, weak; 0-19, wretched.

TUNE IN:

66 “AND SHE WAS.” Talking Heads. Director: Jim Blashfield. David Byrne and pals have released two videos at the same time. This one, which uses a moving-collage style Hilburn described as “Yellow Submarine”-meets-Monty Python, is the more interesting. A surreal song about “floating and drifting” receives an appropriately preposterous treatment. As well-done, watchable and occasionally brilliant as the parade of images is (especially a shot that’s like a Magritte painting come alive) “And She Was” is a bit too flighty to be very moving, funny or memorable. Compared to the usual schlock on MTV (see below), though, it’s an oasis. CW 93, TA 85, RC 75, RH 65, KM 50, DH 25.

TUNE OUT:

39 “EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.” John Waite. Director: Dominick Senna. Have the people who design Melrose Avenue shop ads for trendy magazines gone into video? Most of the first clip from Waite’s new album “Mask of Smiles” uses a succession of still images painted with those colorful streaks you often see in such ads. It’s a neat technique, creating a mood in keeping with the classy if cliched love song. But the framing story about John’s cardboard-model girlfriend trying to decide whether to go on tour with him is something (as Willman put it) you don’t “give a hoot in hell about.” DH 70, TA 60, RH 50, CW 28, RC 25, KM 1.

36 “WHEN LOVE BREAKS DOWN.” Prefab Sprout. Director: Nick Morris. The young English band has been so acclaimed by the British pop press that disappointment in its new debut album is almost inevitable. But this song--done in a style that seems like a soft-jazz/pop cross between Squeeze, Style Council and Aztec Camera--is very nice indeed, with a lovely, pensive mood. The video tries to illustrate that mood with a low-key performance approach embellished with doves, blowing leaves and subtly streaky effects. The result is mildly pleasant, but too cautious, inert, and self-consciously fashionable. DH 60, TA 55, CW 30, RH 28, RC 25, KM 20.

23 “ROCK ‘N’ ROLL CHILDREN.” Dio. Director: Danny Kleinman. This is just a silly, witless and confused portrayal of two kids who enter a nightmarish world--perhaps meant to be symbolic of all the abuse that rock-lovin’ teens supposedly have to put up with these days. It’s unclear what role singer Dio’s fortuneteller character is playing here. One could easily dismiss the whole thing if there weren’t actually powerful forces trying to take all but the most sanitized forms of rock away from young people. Therefore, there’s a lot of potential in the subject, but this impact-lacking video doesn’t take advantage. Twisted Sister did it better. DH 65, TA 20, CW 18, RH 15, RC 10, KM 10.

19 “OH SHEILA.” Ready for the World. Director: Jon Roseman. The young Flint, Mich., band has hit the national Top 5 on the pop charts with this second single in its short career. But while the world may be ready for such blatant Prince rip-offs, it’s a good thing the group didn’t have to depend on its video director or on its own charisma to crack the big time. The only startling thing about this clip--in fact, it’s almost shocking--is how hesitant and dull the band’s would-be Princely performance is. “Puttin’ on the Hits” does it better. DH 50, RH 25, RC 20, KM 12, CW 9, TA 5.

13 “PARTY ALL THE TIME.” Eddie Murphy. Director: Ed Griles. If the comedian-turned-serious-R&B-singer; ever wanted to return to “Saturday Night Live” and do a satire on smug pop stars, he could just send in this clip. Murphy walks into the recording studio with his bodyguard. Everybody in the control room--including technicians, hangers-on, and producer Rick James--pats him on the back. He moves on to the recording room looking, as McKenna put it, “as if he’s found the cure for cancer.” He starts singing (not all that well) and the sycophants go crazy, clapping their hands and dancing around. James runs in at the end to join Murphy for the “hot” finale. Another McKenna observation sums it up: “Oh barf!” DH 65, RH 5, RC 5, KM 1, CW 0, TA 0.

12 “AFTER THE FIRE.” Roger Daltrey. Director: Graham Hughes. “I’ve got a great idea,” somebody said. “Since it’s called ‘After the Fire,’ let’s put Roger in the middle of a lot of flames.” Give us a break--or at least something that would better complement Pete Townshend’s composition about not f-f-f-fading away. It’s a wonder they didn’t flash Dom DeLuise at us when his name comes up in the song. TA 25, DH 15, CW 12, RC 20, RH 7, KM 2.

12 “BOY IN THE BOX.” Corey Hart. Director: Michael Oblowitz. Mr. “I Wear My Sunglasses at Night” Hart takes an overwrought walk through teeming, exotic streets full of hostile Orientals that seem straight out of “Blade Runner” or one of the Road Warrior films. Does some smart video company keep this set and extras available all the time for rock stars who want to make cliched clips? DH 20, TA 15, CW 12, RH 10, RC 10, KM 2.

12 “LOVIN’ EVERY MINUTE OF IT.” Loverboy. Director: Rich Rosenthal. One of the more cretinous and popular hard-rock bands struts its own moveable feast through a hotel, winding up in the ballroom where it takes the stage away from a “new-wave” group. Singer Paul Dean, who leads this unconvincingly happy parade of backstage bozos and bimbos (why don’t you ever see real people in rock videos?) looks like a representative of every loudmouthed lout in American bars--and maybe that’s the idea. Someone , after all, must identify with these guys. DH 18, TA 15, CW 15, RH 10, RC 5, KM 5.