Readers List the Pros, Cons of Personal Ads

If a poll were taken among readers who had used personal ads, the outcome would probably run the gamut from dreadful to wonderful. Each extreme would have an equal share of votes.

I’ve received many letters on the subject, and those who have had satisfying dates as well as those who have been terribly disappointed have strong opinions that they are eager to voice. Here is a sampling:

A man from Santa Barbara, Calif., wrote: “I’ve had extensive experience in placing ads and answering them. I started that process in early middle age after a long-term relationship ended.

“Basically, the women I encountered were a ‘lonely-hearts club.’ From what they told me, the men they met through ads were similar. By any criterion, they were not representative of people I had met at work, in classes and other places. They were generally less physically attractive, had less appealing personalities and were shyer, fatter, more rigid, less humorous, more compulsive, and so forth.

Accumulated Grief

“This doesn’t mean that no one was ‘passable’--just that there were very few women I wanted to see or even talk to more than once. A large majority of the women are between 35 and 65 and have accumulated much grief that has wounded their spirits.

“All in all, I think the ads are a waste of time, effort and money. Women who place ads may have slightly more success, because they get more replies from men who might be fairly successful, but not very extroverted socially.

“The old standbys of dances, clubs, adult-education classes, social, church and charitable organizations and being fixed up by friends are still the best alternatives. I found that it was the women who didn’t make it in those situations who were involved in ads--thus, by definition, they were the ‘leftovers.’ If a woman has passable looks, a warm personality and is not afraid to initiate or sustain conversations, she won’t stay alone long. I guess the same could be said of men.”

I think many women who consider themselves warm, active and “passable” looking would vehemently disagree with this man’s statement that they will not be alone for long. They would cite the increasingly unbalanced ratio of available women to available men as you go up the age scale. It is statistically hard for women to connect with men, and many women who use ads would resent being called “leftovers.”

‘Face Like a Jack-o’-Lantern’

Another negative vote on personal ads is cast by Chris Woodyard, a Columbus, Ohio, woman who sent a long and humorous essay describing awful experiences she had with dates that were arranged through ads. A description of “Alvin” paints him as much worse than a “leftover.”

“I still have nightmares about him--greasy pompadour, thick dark-rimmed glasses, bad complexion, a face like a jack-o’-lantern . . . sloppily overweight and wearing a soiled beige, three-piece polyester suit. He belched, slurped his soup, drooled and told dirty stories in a loud voice.”

She tells also of meeting a man who was “perfect,” came on strong and made promises for the future, then went back to his hometown thousands of miles away and quickly, coolly rejected her.

She concludes: “I can’t blame Literary Lonely-Hearts (her name for the publication where she placed her ad). It undoubtedly has brought happiness to many, and I can only hope my experiences were atypical. But, for me, Mr. Wrong was no farther than my mailbox.”

A Different Story

But these discouraging experiences are not the whole picture. A Charlotte, N.C., woman has a different story to tell: “There are a lot of lonely people out there, and ads help to bring a few together. I wrote my first ad out of curiosity and was writing to people all over the country. One man came a considerable distance to meet me. I dated him for about six weeks, then we got married and moved to Charlotte. We were married for 15 months when he died of a heart attack. They were 15 beautiful months, and I have a daughter who is now over a year old.

“Since he died, I’ve dated and never have a problem finding eligible men, but when I decide to settle down I will probably run an ad because I find that most people who are sincerely lonely open up and become very nice people when given some attention and understanding. And you learn a lot by listening to people. All the people who write or answer ads aren’t desperate. Answering ads can be successful.”

While some readers have had unpleasant experiences with personal ads, this letter and others indicate that many attractive, interesting people who are either too busy for the usual singles activities or who have become tired of that scene consider ads an “efficient” way to meet eligible people.