STAIRWAY BUILDER TO THE STARS : Those 8x10s on the Wall Aren’t Just Idle Decoration

Coming home from LAX the other night, I happened to notice two giant signs--both on La Cienega Boulevard, not more than two miles apart--boasting the same claim: “CAR STEREO STORE TO THE STARS.”

It occurred to me that one of them must be lying.

Think about it. Would a guy like Burt Reynolds buy his tape deck at one store and then buy his speakers down the block? No way. Stars aren’t bargain hunters on this kind of stuff. They’re busy being stars and they want fast service. I mean, Goldie Hawn isn’t going to drive a few extra blocks in search of a better tweeter.

Merchants in our town love to enlist the services of stars to help hawk their wares. It’s kind of a charming tradition indigenous to Los Angeles. A favorite is the car wash I go to every Saturday afternoon. Sure, I like to keep my car clean, but it’s not those gentle cloth brushes that keep me coming back. No, see, this is the Car Wash to the Stars!

Even though I have yet to see a single star there in a car--bad timing?--I know this is the Car Wash to the Stars because of the massive walkway filled with 8x10s. All the big names are there. To name a few: Burt Reynolds, George Hamilton, Peter Falk, Wink Martindale.

Some of the regulars even wrote little notes on their photos. Writes Dom DeLuise: “You give great wash!” And Sally Struthers tells the owners: “My car loves you and your hot wax!”

The idea of such advertising is to suggest that if it’s good enough for Hollywood royalty, the place must be good enough for us.

Sometimes it gets a little preposterous. My cleaner--a master at the delicate art of light starch--started posting the ubiquitous 8x10s a few years ago. It’s been a kind of running amusement to me since I haven’t yet recognized a single name on the wall. Does that make him Dry Cleaner to the Unknown Starlets?

Now, this sort of promotion is common across the country but it starts to get a bit out of hand here. Do we really need to know that Donna Dixon had her battery replaced at the same service station where we got a fill-up? Is the gasoline somehow a little hipper than the gasoline down the street?

Another favorite is a West Side Italian restaurant that features more than 200 photos. If one of the stars on the wall is now dead, does that mean we should avoid the scungilli ?

I personally prefer the approach by my car repairman, Eddie. He has lots of big star customers--but you’d never know it. Instead, he posts pictures of his prized championship-winning speed boat. If he can get a boat with a Renault engine to go 200 m.p.h. on the water, then tuning a BMW should be a snatch. That advertising makes sense.

Another favorite of the merchants who service the stars is my friend Bruce. Bruce, who wears a gold Rolex and lives in a condo in Century City, has the unduplicated distinction of being Stereo Wirer to the Stars. No kidding. Last year, Jack Nicholson flew him to Aspen to do his ski house. (After the Lakers, Jack is heavily into rock ‘n’ roll and insists on good sound and top-of-the-line equipment, Bruce tells me.) Bruce hasn’t posted any 8x10s but how far off can that day be?

Ultimately, I wonder, does it help bring in customers? And what if this spreads to other businesses?

What if McDonnell Douglas posted pictures of famous generals and declared themselves Cruise Missile Builders to the Five-Star Generals?

What if a garbage company stumbled upon Ruth Buzzi’s address in the billing list? Would that make them Trash Haulers to the Stars?

And what if the guy who invented the porta-potty decided to get into the act? I wonder, where would he put the 8x10s?