The Way Death Affects Youngsters : When a Family Member Dies, Children React Differently

A death in the family raises dilemmas for parents. How much, if anything, should the preschool child be told?

There also are questions about dealing with older children, say, those 5 to 9. Child psychiatrists say children in both age groups can be helped in avoiding being traumatized by the death of a family member.

There are no clear-cut answers, however, that apply to all situations.

However, some guidance about children and grief is contained in a report from the American Academy of Child Psychiatry. It includes danger signals to watch for in a child experiencing the death of a close relative.

The report notes that when a family member dies, children react differently from adults.

Temporary and Reversible

“Preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible--a belief reinforced by cartoon characters who ‘die’ and ‘come to life’ again,” the report says.

“Children between 5 and 9 begin to think more like adults about death, yet they still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they know.

“Adding to a child’s shock and confusion at the death of a brother, sister or parent is the unavailability of other family members, who may be so shaken by grief that they are not able to cope with the normal responsibility of child care.”

Parents need to be aware of normal childhood responses to a death in the family, as well as danger signals, the report says. For example, during the weeks after the death, it is normal for some children to feel little immediate grief or keep thinking the family member is still alive.

“But long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief is unhealthy and can later surface in more severe problems,” the report says.

Frightened of Funerals

The report says that a child who is frightened about attending a funeral should not be forced to go. However, some service or observance is recommended. This might include lighting a candle or saying a prayer or visiting the grave site.

Once children accept the death, they are likely to display their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at unexpected moments, child psychiatrists say.

To help the child over that, relatives are advised to spend as much time as possible with the child. They should make it plain that the child may show his or her feelings openly or freely--crying jags and angry outbursts included.

The child has lost someone who is essential to the stability of his or her world, and anger is a natural reaction, psychiatrists say.

The anger may show up in boisterous play, nightmares, irritability or such behavior as returning to bed-wetting. The anger often is aimed at surviving family members.

When a parent dies, many boys and girls will act younger than they are.

“A child may temporarily become more infantile, demanding food, attention and cuddling, and talking baby talk,” the child psychiatrists say.

“Younger children believe they are the cause of what happens around them. A young child may believe a parent, grandparent, brother or sister died because he or she had once wished the person dead. The child feels guilty because the wish came true.”

Danger Signals

Some danger signals to watch for in a child whose close relative has died:

--An extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events.

--Inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone.

--Acting much younger for an extended period.

--Excessive imitation of the dead person; repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person.

--Withdrawal from friends.

--Sharp drop in school performance or refusal to go to school.

“These warning signs indicate that the child is having serious problems as a result of the death, and professional help may be needed,” the report says.

“A child psychiatrist can help the child accept the death and assist the survivors in helping the child through the mourning period.”