Silver Linings of a Parent’s Nightmare

I’m living the nightmare of many middle-class parents. My 16-year-old son is a punk rocker with multiple earrings and a Mohawk haircut.

Actually, the nightmare isn’t so bad. He’s the good, flaky kid he’s always been, and, to my surprise, he’s grown in many ways since he became a punk.

He used to care mostly about material possessions and professional sports. Now he also thinks about nuclear war, unemployment and politics.

His earrings, tattered clothes and haircut are helping him learn what discrimination is like. He’s realizing that while he can change his appearance if he gets tired of the prejudice, other discrimination victims can’t change so easily.

Some people, especially some adults in our ultraconservative Colorado town, judge him by what they think of his appearance, not by what he is. By watching other people react to my son, I’m learning as much about them and their fears as I am about him.

Some Aren’t Hostile

He’s also learning that all adults aren’t alike. While he gets plenty of scared or hostile looks and muttered comments, he’s finding that not every grown-up reacts with fear and hostility. Several teachers at his high school have asked him, uncritically, why he dresses as he does. A local poet interviewed him and took his picture to use as source material. A middle-age appliance salesman told him he likes to see people express their individuality in their clothing.

My son’s punk friends include a few honor students and a few dropouts, just like any cross section of people his age. He has non-punk friends, too. Some are well-adjusted and others are troubled. All his friends have one thing in common--their clothing styles don’t determine their personalities or their strengths and weaknesses. They are what they are, not what they wear.

Heaven knows my son’s not perfect. Like most other parents I know who have teen-agers, I’d be happy if my son’s grades were higher, his room neater and his telephone conversations shorter.

And like all parents, I have no guarantees about whether my son will arrive at adulthood whole or healthy. But the point is, however his life works out, it won’t be his haircut or earrings that determine his fate. His success--or failure--at becoming a worthwhile adult will come from within.