How to Make Movie Viewing a Pleasure

Criticizing movie theaters is almost as much fun as going to them. We all have our pet peeves about the local Bijou, so how can we resist ShoWest’s invitation to tell exhibitors what we would do if we were exhibitors.

In a perfect world, here is what I would do if I were an exhibitor.

1. I would get rid of the nacho dispenser. Who wants to listen to people eat those things while Robert Redford is making love to Meryl Streep?

2. I would install seats with sensing devices and false bottoms so whenever anyone talked loud enough to be heard two rows away, he or she would be sucked into a subterranean sewer and washed out to sea.

3. I would install airline food trays on the backs of seats so customers wouldn’t have to freeze their thighs storing their Cokes while eating their popcorn.

4. I would have special sections in the back, at discounted prices, for tall people, people with punk hairdos or Afros, and people who plan to kiss and otherwise block the screen from those sitting behind them.

5. I would give my projectionist a $5 bonus each time he stayed awake through an entire shift, and I would bring him down and feed him to the audience whenever he didn’t.

6. I would install seat belts that were controlled by management to keep people from standing and walking out during crucial scenes.

7. I would not hire kids with bad complexions to sell food.

8. I would offer ice water (small, medium and large at a nominal fee) for those weirdos who prefer it over flavored sugar.

9. I would price tickets according to the quality of movies ($8 for “Out of Africa,” minus a $2 rebate for Robert Redford’s performance, and $1.50 for anything starring John Travolta or Richard Gere).

10. And I would, of course, go broke.

(What would you do? Send your suggestions to Film Clips, the Los Angeles Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, 90053, and we’ll repeat the best ones in a future column.)