ROCKIN’ ROUND THE FLAG

Is it too late to reschedule the Bicentennial? Now that rock ‘n’ rollers finally are getting into the American spirit en masse, about a decade too late, the MTV channel is starting to look more like something that could be called the USA Network.

This “New Patriotism” takes many forms. There’s Jackson Browne singing that he wished these United States were in the right (“For America”), and then there’s the America-right-or-wrong flavor of novelties like the collaboration between wrestling heavyweight Hulk Hogan and rock lightweight Rick Derringer (“Real American”). Neither vision of the red, white and blue way is very compelling, unfortunately--at least not in the video translation.

There is something uniquely American, though, in the fact that the bottom of this barrel of current video clips is scraped by a bad actor taking on a new career. Ratings are based on a scale of 0-100.

Cathode rays guaranteed to induce alpha waves:

Ozzy Osbourne’s “Shot in the Dark.” Director: Andy Morahan. Is this slapstick comedy, Greek tragedy or a heavy-metal Cinderella story? You be the judge. A group of foxy teen-age leather chicks drives past Ozzy’s billboard on Sunset on their way to his concert (presumably taking the scenic route to the Forum). Once there, amid some well-shot concert footage, the head leather chick puts her fingers to her temples and seems to be experiencing what most of us would at such a show--Excedrin Headache No. 1. When the show is over, she’s missing in action and her none-too-concerned friends leave without her. On the way home, they pass Ozzy’s billboard again and--wow!--there’s their migraine-prone pal, magically transported into the larger-than-life painting! As a finale of an old “Twilight Zone,” that would’ve been the hellish comeuppance for a twisted villain, but here it seems designed to be a happy ending. Never mind that our heroine will be torn down and replaced the minute Ozzy’s record slips a notch on the charts. But then, the goals that would make being turned into a billboard a coveted dream don’t seem that far out of line with the rest of metal’s rather transient values. 5