REAL LUCY

The “rules” invented by Bob Carroll Jr. and Madelyn Davis for “How to Make a TV Lucy” (by Paul Rosenfield, Oct. 12) are explanation enough for why the “hastily conceived” show is bottoming out in the ratings.

The Lucy who was once so innocent and popular now belongs to a different time and place. If producer Aaron Spelling wants to save the show by giving it “a lot more reality,” try this:

Star Lucy in “Miami Vice Queen.” She’s a street-smart, ultra-hip, savvy detective chick who’s out to wipe out drugs (guest drug-busters include Nancy Reagan).

Her two top sleuths are Crocked and Tubby, played by Ethel and Fred Mertz, respectively. Her antagonist, the Kingpin of the Drug Pushers, is none other than Ricky Ricardo, who in the pilot is smuggling cocaine in from Cuba inside his conga drum (guest drug buyers include Caesar Romero).

While playing “Babalu” at a rock concert to help Victims of Watching TV, tentatively titled “We Once Were the World,” Lucy closes in on Ricky, who is busy backstage selling cocaine to Ralph Kramden, now an RTD bus driver in Los Angeles.

The “reality” comes from whether or not Lucy can bust Ralph before he and Alice (an anorexic on amphetamines) are turned in to the authorities by their adopted 13-year-old, Kimberly, who, by the way, sings the show’s title tune which is, needless to say, available as a sound track on digital record and Dolby tape.

Where have you gone, Howdy Doody?

BILL WEINER

Los Angeles