Total Honesty May Not Be Best Marital Policy

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth may do more harm than good to relationships, a University of Southern California study says.

White lies, those seemingly harmless misconstructions of fact, actually may do more good for a relationship than a steady onslaught of honesty, said Kenneth Sereno, chairman of communications arts and sciences at the USC College of Letters, Arts and Sciences.

“How can you be sensitive, thoughtful and caring if you just blurt out what’s on your mind all the time,” Sereno said.

“The general body of research shows that in a marriage you have to have basic honesty,” he said. “If you don’t have that you won’t have a good relationship.

“The question is how much honesty.”

Sereno conducted a yearlong study of couples--married and unmarried--to determine how much the truth hurts or helps relationships. The study of intimate communication found that the “let-it-all-hang-out” credo of the 1960s may not fly in the 1980s.

“There’s an assumption that came out of the 1960s that the best kind of relationship is one in which people are truthful and honest with one another,” Sereno said.

“Not too long after these ideals came out, people realized what people were really like. Now, they are beginning to think it isn’t all that great to be totally honest all the time.”

Sereno and graduate student Melanie Rich interviewed 148 married or otherwise living together faculty members and students at several California colleges.

After determining the amount of self-disclosure in relationships, Sereno then attempted to gauge the degree of satisfaction couples enjoyed in their relationships.

According to the study, satisfied couples tended to spend more time sharing their hopes and dreams with one another. Unhappy couples said most of their discussions centered on fears, anxieties and character flaws.

Moreover, the study found that couples that could communicate in a polite manner with one another tended to get more satisfaction from their relationship.

Little Truth Goes Long Way

As for the truth, Sereno said, a little bit can go a long way in day-to-day life.

“We’re not saying self-disclosure isn’t relative in a relationship. We’re probably saying that on a day-to-day basis, this heavy total honest communication is probably not what people ought to be doing,” he said.

On a daily basis, where seemingly innocent questions can spark an intense--and usually unwanted--probe of one’s innermost feelings, too much truth can be destructive, Sereno said.

“No one wants to go home every day after working hard and have an intense conversation about the kind of relationship they have and the kind of person they are,” Sereno said.

“Most of the time, it’s best to say ‘fine’ if your spouse asks how you are, then just relax and eat dinner.”

The Whole Truth

But when a health or financial crisis arises, full disclosure of the truth is the best approach, Sereno said.

“Concealing how one feels or what one thinks can cause serious problems,” he said. “When these things happen that’s when people have to be honest about it.”

What if the crisis is of a more personal nature. How, for example, does the full truth come into play when an affair is discovered during a marriage or otherwise committed relationship?

“If one of the parties finds out, then both parties have to be totally honest,” Sereno said. “If one doesn’t find out, I’d read ‘Dear Abby’ and see what she says.”