When a Husband Is Part of Wife’s Team
We were talking last week about some simple ways in which a wife can demonstrate her emotional support for a man’s struggle to “make it” in the competitive world of work--and what a high priority he puts on feeling that she is an active part of his team.
But a majority of women today also work outside the home. What kind of support does a wife need from her husband?
She needs, first of all, a feeling of camaraderie in the whole idea of working, a sense of shared sacrifice and evidence that he values the financial contribution she is making to the family life style.
The problem of partnership is especially acute if she is not trying to climb a career ladder in the way he is--if she is only working a routine job until the baby comes, for example, or if she has taken an entry-level position for the first time as the children grow older.
Many a traditional male feels he is only “letting” his wife work to humor her. He grumbles about higher taxes and mumbles vague complaints about their home life going to hell. But she needs a better reward. No job is easy; entry-level work may be deadly in its monotony, triviality, lack of challenge or possibility for promotion.
If her income buys a refrigerator or new furniture, or a more luxurious vacation, she deserves a real thank you from him. (Maybe her money should be kept separate so that the fruits of her labor are very clear to both of them.)
If, however, she is as fully committed to career advancement as he is, new pressures arise. A wife may worry that she is undercutting her husband’s masculine pride in his role as prime breadwinner, especially if her income tops his.
She needs strong reassurance that he approves of this new kind of team effort, that he doesn’t feel he is in some kind of competition. In good marriages this is brought out into the open. If it isn’t, even the most powerful and liberated woman may unconsciously sabotage her own advancement; as a female she has been socialized to believe that her relationship with her husband has to be preserved at all costs.
A loving husband can also serve as a valuable mentor in her career. It’s still a male-dominated world out there, rife with game-playing and rules of the road that he has automatically absorbed from boyhood. He can offer clues she needs as she moves up, especially if she becomes a leader of men.
It’s a fine art if a husband can offer advice without sounding like the patronizing male, if he can learn when to shut up and just listen with empathy.
Two-career marriages seldom endure, it seems to me, unless a husband sees that his wife’s psychic growth--her self-validation in achieving--also works to his advantage, in that she becomes a more equal partner, better equipped to be his best friend.
He has to understand, too, above everything else, that her stress may sometimes be greater than his, and that traditional male-female roles are irrelevant in maintaining the home and in parenting. Each partner does what is necessary--and you work out “fair” later.
A wife’s feminine instincts for nest building and nurturing can leave her constantly frustrated or exhausted (or both) if she unconsciously assumes, as her mother did, that the home is her prime responsibility.
She really needs her husband not just to volunteer to “help her out” but to actively intervene in redefining the household tasks.
If he’s good at organizing, at making plans, let him sit down with her to agree on how their lives can be simplified, what traditional household chores can be cut back or eliminated, and who will do them, for the present.
And also to say the magic words: “Let’s spend some money to hire the services we need.” A working wife, saddled with an old image of what it means to be womanly, may feel too guilty to propose it, or to follow through.
It’s really not so hard for a man to understand. He has only to ask: How would I feel if I were in her shoes?
Jim Sanderson welcomes comments from readers; please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope if you wish a reply. Write him in care of View.