Children Sketch Trauma of Divorce : Ex-Court Counselor’s New Book Features Drawings

Until 1985, the walls of Florence Bienenfeld’s office at the Los Angeles Conciliation Court were covered with bright, happy drawings made over the years by children who had passed in and out of her door. Unfortunately, she said, the drawings did not reflect the majority of feelings expressed by children she had come to know.

“I put the peaceful ones on the wall so that children wouldn’t be affected by what others had drawn before them,” said Bienenfeld, who served as the conciliation court’s senior marriage, family and child counselor for 11 years. The drawings were made while the children waited outside Bienenfeld’s office, where their parents frequently battled over child custody and visitation issues.

When Bienenfeld retired from her position at the court to go into private practice nearly two years ago, she took the drawings off the walls. She also took with her more than 400 others, which she believes are more accurate pictures of the emotional trauma often wreaked upon children in the heat and aftermath of divorce. Those pictures, along with case studies and guidelines for parents, will be published in the spring by Hunter House in Bienenfeld’s third book, “Helping Your Child Succeed After Divorce.”

Bienenfeld’s first book, “My Mom and Dad Are Getting a Divorce,” was published in 1980. It is a colorfully illustrated children’s story that seeks to help young readers--and their parents--understand feelings they otherwise may be unable to express. “Child Custody Mediation,” Bienenfeld’s second book, was directed primarily toward parents, counselors and attorneys. Published in 1983, the book outlined her mediation techniques through four case histories, selected from the thousands of families she saw since joining the conciliation court in 1974.

Bienenfeld hopes that her third book will do through pictures what words often cannot. “For a lot of people, the mere notion of having to relate to their former spouse after the divorce comes as a total shock,” she said. “Often, parents are in such turmoil and pain themselves that they are unable to focus at all on what their children need, much less what’s best for them. But if you look at these pictures--the anger, pain, loneliness and fear that so many of these children of battling parents express in their drawings--it’s hard not to be affected by them.”

Bienenfeld believes there are typical stages both parents and children go through after a divorce, much in the same way Elizabeth Kubler-Ross was able to identify typical patterns of grieving during and after the death of a loved one. The stages have no typical duration, Bienenfeld said, and may be prolonged by a family’s inability or unwillingness to confront certain emotional issues.

The first stage she said, is often one of disbelief. One drawing, made by an 8-year-old girl, illustrates the denial that is common in children, as well as their parents. “The parents of this little girl had divorced more than a year before,” Bienenfeld said. “Yet, she drew them together going on an outing, Mommy next to Daddy, the children with the balloons, as if it’s a party.”

Parents can help their children accept a divorce, she said, by telling them they will not be getting back together again. “It’s painful at first, but it allows the children to get on with their new lives, just as the parents must do.”

One picture of a black-and-red monster, drawn by an 11-year-old boy, depicts the anger that is often felt once children and parents get through the stage of disbelief. Frequently, children blame one parent for the divorce, which is further compounded if one parent blames his or her spouse.

Children’s Self-Respect

“Children need to be told something about the divorce, but in the least accusing way possible,” Bienenfeld said. “If a child doesn’t have a satisfactory relationship with both parents and feel loved, inside they feel less self-worth.”

A recent study conducted at the Community Mental Health Center of Marin County supports Bienenfeld’s belief. Conducted over a 10-year period and involving over 50 families, the study pointed to a marked decrease in feelings of self-esteem and confidence in children who came from broken homes where bitterness and acrimony between parents persisted.

Emotional disturbances in children were even more pronounced, according to the study, when children had lost contact with one parent after a divorce. Nationwide, one-third of all children never see one of their parents after divorce.

Often, children experience feelings of guilt and believe they are to blame. If parents compete for their children or make it difficult for the children to establish a relationship with one parent, Bienenfeld said, the children are hurt even more by feeling forced to choose one parent over the other. One drawing of a little boy with bulging eyes, his arms outstretched and each hand pulled by a parent, illustrated this feeling well. Under the drawing the boy wrote, “Which way do I go?”

Lasting Scars

Many children are forced into behavior roles by one or both parents that Bienenfeld believes can cause lasting emotional scars.

“If children know they can never mention ‘Mom’ around Dad, or vice versa, they have to almost become schizophrenic, so that they have two completely different sets of what they can talk about,” she said. Other children suffer ill effects, she said, when they are asked to carry messages from one parent to another, are pumped for information about the other parent, are asked to deliver child-support payments, or are the recipients of derogatory statements made by one parent about the other.

Bienenfeld recalled a session with one mother, who did not want her 8-year-old daughter to have contact with the girl’s father. Her former husband, the woman said, had run off with another woman and had refused to pay child support. When Bienenfeld spoke with the little girl, she echoed the words spoken by her mother earlier, even using the same inflections.

“But the drawing the girl made told a different story,” Bienenfeld said.

The girl had drawn herself in high heels with a dog on a leash, saying to her father on the other side of the page, “Look, Daddy, a puppy.” The father responded by saying, “We will call him Dusty.”

Agreed to Further Counseling

“Here is a tender interaction between a daughter and a father she supposedly doesn’t want to see,” Bienenfeld said. When the counselor spoke with the mother about the future difficulty in forming lasting relationships the daughter was likely to experience if the situation persisted, the mother agreed to seek further counseling.

Last year, the Los Angeles Conciliation Court counseled more than 7,000 families in custody and visitation disputes. That number has increased dramatically since 1981, when California became the first state to enact legislation requiring professional mediation before all trials surrounding child custody. Each county is required to offer this service free. Since then, a handful of other states have enacted similar legislation.

According to Los Angeles Conciliation Court Director Hugh McIsaac, the bill has been successful in its goal of helping families resolve many of their differences, as well as reducing the number of cases that end up in court.

“Los Angeles County had over 42,000 filings for dissolution in 1986, and about 60% of those involved children under 18,” McIsaac said. “Of the 7,000 families the conciliation court saw, 68% were resolved prior to trial.” That figure, he said, represents a 75% reduction in the number of custody dispute cases that ended up in court before passage of the mandatory mediation bill.

Despite those statistics, Bienenfeld believes more education and counseling for parents is needed to spare children the often devastating effects of custody battles. “Red flags” to parents that counseling may be needed for their children include such symptoms as sleep disturbances, such as nightmares and sleepwalking; allergies or asthma; bed-wetting; tantrums; teeth grinding; clinging behavior; overaggressive behavior with peers or others; daydreaming or withdrawal from relationships; overeating or loss of appetite; and frequent crying or absence of emotion.

“The idea of a child having one home with two parents who love each other is an ideal,” Bienenfeld said. “But when there’s a divorce, it’s important that parents accept that the child is going to have two homes--one with mother, and one with father. You’d be surprised how much you have to convince parents of that idea. Once there’s a divorce, parents often go on a competitive fight to get the children--as if you can ‘get’ children.”

Started in 1968

Bienenfeld’s role as a children’s advocate goes back to 1968, when she graduated from UCLA with a master’s degree in special education. The same year, she received a government grant to educate severely emotionally disturbed children. After going into private practice for several years as an educational therapist, she received her Ph.D. in marriage, family and child counseling in 1972.

Soon, she said, she realized the necessity of working with parents as well. “The family is a system,” she said. “Children are incredibly resilient and you can help them through their feelings about the divorce. But if the parents are too wrapped up in their own problems to understand or deal with the needs of their children, the children get pushed back again.

“Children need neutral ground,” she said. “Even though parents may not like each other--and they don’t have to like each other--they can be working partners to give their children the best possible chance at a positive outcome for their lives. And deep down inside, if they can get past their own pain,” she added, “I think most parents want that.”