ENDTITLES: II

We got lotsa response to Jack Mathews’ game of alternate titles (like “Megafarce” for “Megaforce” and “Altered Steaks” for “Endangered Species,” etc.).

Among our returns:

“Chew Velvet” for “Blue Velvet” (since co-star Isabella Rossellini was gagged with the stuff)--Gregg Main, L.A.

“Colored People” in place of “The Color Purple”--Pat Orr (no address), “for being a white person’s rose-colored look at what is basically a black story. P.S.: I liked the movie anyway.”

“Some Kind of Pink Breakfast Candles” for John Hughes’ “Some Kind of Wonderful”--Paul Bolle, Pacific Palisades.

“A Bore Is Starred” for the Streisand-Kristofferson version of “A Star Is Born”--Matt Quilter, Costa Mesa.

“Wet Side Story” for “Splash,” “Altered Status” for “Trading Places,” “Sweat Smell of Success” for “Pumping Iron” and “Dirty, Hairy” for “Quest for Fire”--Tom Pontac, Huntington Beach.

“Spittoon” for “Platoon”--Isadore Nicholson, San Diego. (She assailed film maker Oliver Stone for “an effort at revisionist history.”) Walt Hopman had the same title, because the pic is so “grubby.”

And on movie titles of a different sort--puns, distortions and flights of fancy--it would be hard to top the NoArt Theater guide, spoofing (and designed to look exactly like) the NuArt’s monthly calendar.

Published by Lee Parker (aspiring screenwriter and former NuArt asst. manager), Warren Farbinger (attorney and stand-up comic, now appearing in “Midnight Madness” at Company of Angels) and John Farley (now doing artwork for Time magazine), and available through Hollywood Book and Poster, it lists more than 150 films (with outrageous synopses).

Some of the printable ones:

The Liz Taylor quadruple bill: “National Velveeta,” “Cleofatra,” “Butterball 8” and “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Hold the Mayo.”

Sally Field in “Absence of Talent.”

Brando in “On the Waterdiet” and “The Wild Brunch.”

Shelley Winters in “Kill Me Before I ‘Act’ Again.”

The Woody Allen favorites “Golda! My Ear!” and “Torah! Torah! Torah!”

That great Eastwood triple bill: “The Good, the Bad and the Linguini,” “A Plate Full of Spaghetti” and “For a Few Noodles More.”

Those Japanese classics “Godzilla Meets ‘Liza With a Z’ ” and “Seven Samurai for Seven Sisters.”