The Oval Office Would Never Be the Same Again

Former major league pitcher Bill Lee, running for President on the Rhinoceros Party ticket, told Jere Longman of the Philadelphia Inquirer that he would turn the White House into a Mexican restaurant and rent out the East Wing.

“Free showers in the East Wing,” said the man they call Spaceman. Other quotes:

--”I’ve never met Ollie North, but I have met Billy North.”

--”God knows we can’t have a third World War. It would be like Jim Kaat pitching for the Russians and me for the U.S. A 1-hour 43-minute game. We’ll all be good and crispy, but we would still be No. 1.”

Lee is pitching for the Moncton Mets in Canada.

“I live in Canada because they have a lot of plaid shirts,” he said.

Add Lee: Some profound observations from the past:

--”I heard Jimmy Carter say he has lost control of the U. S. government. That shows you how dumb he is. He thought he had control to begin with.”

--On autograph collectors: “We live in a collecting society. Some people collect automobiles or guns, others just collect unemployment.”

--On diet: “If I were a Tibetan priest and ate everything perfect, I’d live to be 105. The way I’m going now, I’ll probably only make it to 102. I’ll give away three years to beer.”

Last Add Lee: “I believe you come back as whatever you’ve abused in a previous life.

If you’re a dope smoker, you might come back as a tree and get processed into a Zig Zag or something.

“I hope to come back as a grain in the field and get turned into some of the finest Dortmunder Union beer in Germany. And that Pele will drink me.”

When the New York Yankees obtained catcher Mark Salas from the Minnesota Twins for pitcher Joe Niekro, a scout told Murray Chass of the New York Times that Salas was a pretty good hitter, but that he couldn’t catch.

Said Chass: “He should fit right in, catching the pitchers who can’t pitch.”

Trivia Time: What major league player has collected the most hits in the 1980s? (Answer below.)

Mac O’Grady, after a practice round for the U. S. Open in San Francisco, had this to say about the course, with its sloping fairways and undulating greens: “The inclinations and topography of Olympic Club already disturb the vesticular semicircular canals of my inner-ear balancing centers.”

Trivia Answer: Cecil Cooper of the Milwaukee Brewers with 1,293 hits.

Quotebook

Chicago Cub announcer Steve Stone, on Tom Lasorda: “His license plate says, ‘Honk if you have groceries.’ ”