ADMIRAL TESTIFIES TO ‘DOWN, OUT IN BEVERLY HILLS’

Hello.

I’m Rear Adm. John M. Poindexter, although I can’t be too sure about that, and I’m going to review “Down and Out in Beverly Hills,” the Fox series having its official premiere at 8 p.m. Saturday on Channels 11 and 6.

To the best of my recollection.

“Down and Out in Beverly Hills” is, I seem to recall, a sitcom, although that’s open to interpretation. It’s based on the movie “Down and Out in Beverly Hills,” which I believe I saw, although I have no precise recollection of seeing it other than a general impression of laughing at people on a big screen in a theater that I cannot identify on a day that I can’t recall.

I believe that “Down and Out in Beverly Hills”--the series--had an earlier unofficial premiere on the Fox network a little while back. At least, I don’t recall not believing that.

I received from Fox a cassette containing this Saturday’s and the Aug. 1 episodes of “Down and Out in Beverly Hills,” which I subsequently viewed, although my memory is a little fuzzy about when and where. My best recollection is that the experience of watching this series, which completes Fox’s new Saturday-night lineup, roughly approximates having heavy weights attached to your eyelids. It’s pathetically unfunny and absolutely the most banal comedy of the season, not even a faint echo of the hilarious movie that, I vaguely recall, starred Nick Nolte, Richard Dreyfuss and Bette Midler.

Others may differ. I can’t account for different recollections. I am testifying about this series accurately and truthfully, based on my own recollections. You know that at the time, when you’re involved in an enormous amount of reviewing activity, you don’t sit down and analyze everything that’s said with a fine-toothed approach.

“Down and Out in Beverly Hills” is about the nouveau-riche Whitemans, who live in a swanky Beverly Hills house with a once-homeless bum named Jerry, although I can’t say for certain. The cast includes Hector Elizondo and Anita Morris as Dave and Barbara Whiteman, Eileen Seeley and Evan Richards (reprising his movie role) as the Whiteman kids Jenny and Max, Tim Thomerson as Jerry, April Ortiz as Carmen the maid and Mike the dog (also repeating his movie role) as Matisse.

I believe I recall Matisse being a dog, although, obviously, different people have different recollections of events, and I don’t really care to speculate on those recollections.

I do recollect with limited specificity that I recorded in my notes--notes that I subsequently destroyed for reasons that I do not recall--the following observations:

The Whitemans are the Down and Out in Beverly Hillsbillies. The cast itself is down and out, hopelessly overmatched by writing (from Robert Bruce and Marty Weiss) that I seem to recall in a somewhat general way as being incompetent.

Even Mike is a weary presence as Matisse, who stole every one of his scenes in the movie. To the best of my recollection, Dave Letterman’s “stupid pet tricks” are more fun.

I usually prefer not to speculate on the hypothetical. However, I believe I can say with some certainty that “Down and Out in Beverly Hills” will be a series for people who found “The Love Boat” impossibly heavy, complicated and cerebral.

As everyone knows, I believe in careful planning. However, there seems to be no plan for “Down and Out in Beverly Hills” beyond having a formula sitcom family hang around their pastel living room or kitchen and react to each other and occasionally to the albino-like Jerry, who dispenses sage wisdom and talks to Matisse.

As an admirer of secrecy and covert operations, I do appreciate the decision of executive producers Howard Gewirtz and Richard Rosenstock not to reveal why Jerry is continuing to live with the Whitemans or how he spends his life beyond raiding the refrigerator and conversing with Matisse. I would not want to characterize Jerry’s unexplained presence as reflecting a lack of candor. As I have said numerous times, I don’t believe that the American people want to know all the details.

So, suffice to say, Jerry is just . . . there .

Further testing my recollection, here are some lines from Saturday’s show.

Jenny, commenting on Max’s irrational behavior: “This is the most stupid thing you’ve done since you broke open Daddy’s Santa Claus paperweight and drank out all the snowy water.”

Jerry, commenting on the family’s preoccupation with Max: “He gets more noticed than Kadafi would get at a B’nai B’rith dinner.”

Dave, informing Max that he’s being grounded indefinitely: “You’re going to have to meet your future wife in your room, how about that?”

How about any of this? I vaguely recall experiencing waves of nausea while watching “Down and Out in Beverly Hills.”

Despite the Max jokes, Saturday’s episode centers on the usually obedient Jenny running off to Reno in an act of rare rebellion when she’s supposed to be studying at Lake Arrowhead. Her parents are beside themselves. She later returns home with a pig of a boyfriend. And then, as they say, the fun begins. Or is it that the fun ends? I’m a little fuzzy on that.

Meanwhile, Matisse is accused of getting a neighbor’s dog pregnant. To the best of my recollection, it’s that kind of show.

The Aug. 1 episode--in which Barbara’s frumpy, aging mother (Jo De Winter in an awful wig) goes on a three-week cruise and returns a stunning beauty--is almost as bad.

I do not recall seeing a single regular character that could be described as likable, let alone funny. My general impression, one that I view as reasonably accurate, is that the parents are weak and benign (Barbara is now a Southern belle to boot), Jenny is a wimp, Max an obnoxious snot and Jerry a sanctimonious and bafflingly superfluous appendage.

It’s the rare series based on a good movie--”MASH” vaguely comes to mind--that surpasses its cinematic parent. But there’s no law against using a movie title and then altering course if you have something as interesting, or possibly better, in mind. “Down and Out in Beverly Hills” has nothing at all in mind, least of all discovering rich veins of humanity in the superficially superficial, satirizing the boorish, indulgently rich or even cleverly exploiting pet humor.

It doesn’t even do justice to Beverly Hills--a place where, if all goes well with our book and TV deals, Ollie and I hope to live one day.

Others may differ with my recollections. However, I leave this review with my head held high, confident that I have done my very best to promote the long-term interests of American TV viewers. And one more thought that I seem to recall recording in my notes:

Poor Mike the dog, sabotaged by stupid human tricks.