Learning a Parenting Role, Step By Step

Stepfamilies are perhaps the fastest-growing social phenomenon in the United States, with about 1,300 forming each day. It’s estimated that more than 15 million American children live with a remarried parent--one child in four.

Members of stepfamilies often face difficulties greater than those encountered in first families. The divorce rate for couples who have stepchildren in the home has been put at 60%, a figure that causes concern among many professionals who work with families.

Ed Winter-Tamkin, a specialist in family issues, says much can be done to improve life for both adults and children in a stepfamily.

“Stepfamilies can really be wonderful,” he says, “but you have to realize they may not be wonderful in the way first thought about. The family has to work together to figure out what they want and what is possible.”

Ed and his wife, Marilyn, a licensed clinical social worker in family therapy, run an organization called the Stepfamily Specialists. The Marina del Rey-based nonprofit corporation provides community-outreach seminars and classes on stepparenting for schools, churches and community groups. (Some of its services are free, some for a donation and some for a fee.)

The Winter-Tamkins, in an interview, stressed their belief that the most common mistake is having unrealistic expectations.

“People go into a stepfamily thinking everyone will fall in love at once and that the children will feel the same toward the stepparent as they do toward their biological parent,” Ed Winter-Tamkin said.

Responsibility for Children

Another problem occurs when the biological parent in the home expects the stepparent to take on too much of the child-rearing responsibility, he said.

People with such unrealistic expectations may try to set up the new family along the lines of their fantasies about their first family. Denial--the feeling that there will not be a problem--may result.

Often the new stepfamily does not get help early enough, the Winter-Tamkins believe; sometimes all that is needed is for family members to read a relevant book or to attend a few sessions with a family-therapy professional.

Research has shown that a stepfamily may go through stages that begin with fantasies and denials and end when the new family is integrated. The final stage occurs when the stepparent has found a distinct role for himself or herself, the family has a sense of family rules and mores and all the members have independent relationships with one another. “There’s a comfort level that allows people to grow,” Marilyn Winter-Tamkins said.

Usually it’s stepparents who first become aware that things aren’t ideal. This is because stepparents are confronting long-standing parent-child bonds. Because they are newcomers, they may feel left out, Marilyn said.

Stepparents who believe they should occupy a role identical to the biological parents’ often try to instill new values and rules and take over the disciplinary function, and this may alienate the children, she said.

Initially, the more the biological parent retains the parenting responsibility, the easier it is for positive feeling to grow between children and the stepparent, according to the two specialists.

The Winter-Tamkins maintain it takes from two to seven years for a stepfamily to stabilize. Forty-four percent of the couples in stepfamilies who divorce do so in the first four years, they say.

A new husband and wife in a stepfamily are urged to discuss potential problems in advance. In a first family, a couple may be able to wait until a problem is happening, but such delay must be avoided in stepfamilies, according to the Winter-Tamkins.

A practice recommended by the Winter-Tamkins is regular family meetings. “Family meetings,” Marilyn said, “are a wonderful way of building unity. Don’t have them just when problems occur, but spend time on deciding where to go on Sunday afternoon, who should be doing what chores, as well as talking about difficulties. It’s important that everybody gets a chance to talk.

Need of Validation

“Also, validate one another. We encourage people to do this on a daily basis, find two or three things they can compliment each stepfamily member on, to build a feeling of good will. One of the things stepfamilies lack are traditions, so family meetings give that a chance to begin to develop, for communication pathways to begin to form,” she said.

Teen-age stepchildren may pose an additional difficulty. Just at the time they are seeking to get away from the family and be with friends, a stepparent comes along saying, “Let’s all go to the park.” The best thing to do is let them not participate if they so choose but let them know they’re welcome to do so, Ed Winter-Tamkins said.

The Winter-Tamkins suggest that a new stepparent try to pose no threat to the relationship between the children and their biological parent. “You can say, ‘I want you to understand that I know I’m not your parent and I never will be your parent, but I want to learn to love you. I want to offer you the best I have from my experience, and I want us to be friends,’ ” Ed said.

The following recommended books offer guidance to stepfamilies: “The Stepfamily: Living, Loving, & Learning” (MacMillan) by Elizabeth Einstein; “Stepmotherhood: How to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked” (Times Books) by Cherie Burns; “Stepfathering: Stepfathers’ Advice on Creating a New Family” (Simon & Schuster) by Mark Bruce Rosin, and “Stepkids: A Survival Guide for Teen-Agers in Stepfamilies” (Walker) by Ann Getzoff and Carolyn McClenahan.

For a packet of information about stepfamilies, send a long, self-addressed stamped envelope to Stepfamily Assn. of America, 602 E. Joppa Road., Baltimore, Md. 21204.

Stepfamily Specialists, (213) 306-3294, in addition to providing information about its own services, makes available data about programs of the Los Angeles chapter of the Stepfamily Assn. of America and about the stepfamily resources of Southern California mental health groups, churches and synagogues.