Does Football Really Need More Color?

One of the drawbacks of my profession is that this newspaper does not have an unlisted address. Consequently, when people want to send things to me, they know where to send them.

Crazy stuff comes to me in the mail. Aside from the usual letters, press releases, pamphlets, books, yearbooks, ransom notes and envelopes with Ed McMahon’s picture in the corner, there are often surprises, something unexpected.

Ever the dreamer, I keep hoping it will be something I desperately need--an inheritance from a long-forgotten rich uncle, or a note from an actress named Sean Young with her home phone number on it. Alas, no such luck.

So, every day I slice open what the mailperson delivers, through the Pepperdine women’s swimming prospectus, through the Utah Jazz statistical updates, through the always mesmerizing funny car drag racing standings, on through the ABC announcement that Chris Schenkel will be appearing as a celebrity 10-pin on next week’s pro bowling tour.

And before I get to the bottom of the pile, there will be something in the mail to amuse or abuse me.

The other day, I received what is commonly known as a “press kit” from an advertising agency in Cleveland. I assume that these kits were mailed all across the country to media creeps such as myself.

Inside, I found a cellophane-wrapped package containing three tubes of something that looked like lipstick.

The kit explained that these were “Team Colors,” a new product from a cosmetics company called Bonne Bell. Actually, the product comes from Bellesport, a division of Bonne Bell. You probably have heard of Bonne Bell, as well as her Ma and her successful husband, Taco.

Anyway, “Team Colors” are not lipsticks at all, but “zinc oxide sticks,” to be used in the ever-popular fad of face-decorating.

You probably have seen fans at football games, wearing war paint, standing there with a blue left cheek and a yellow right cheek, screaming for their favorite team with a face that only Freddie from Elm Street could love.

Well, this fabulous new product will help you (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) put on your game face.

At least that is what I am told in the accompanying press release. Life is one big press release, by the way. Some day, Judgment Day will be at hand and an angel’s agent will send me a press release.

Instructions are enclosed, telling me what I can do with Team Colors. Naturally, I am tempted to mail it right back and tell these people what they can do with Team Colors, but I am a patient and understanding kind of guy, so I read on.

“As you prepare your 1987 NFL and collegiate coverage,” the press release tells me, “feel free to use Team Colors for:

“1. A wrap-up on what fans can do this fall to show support for their favorite teams. Face-decorating is one of the latest football crazes, and Team Colors is a fun product from a nationally respected manufacturer.

“2. On-air pre-kickoff coverage. Sportscasters can decorate their faces as opposing teams take the field.

“3. A colorful sidebar of the face-painting going on at on-campus pep rallies and tailgate parties.

“This is a visual fun-to-use product which can enhance your football coverage this fall.”

First of all, let me say that the only way Team Colors will enhance my football coverage this fall is if my pen runs out of ink and I have to use my zinc oxide stick to take notes.

Next, permit me to hereby advise my brother sportscasters that the first one of you who decorates his face when the opposing team takes the field deserves to be used during the rest of the game as a kicking tee.

Next, I would like to take a moment to ask the citizens of the United States of America how they really feel about their husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, sons and daughters decorating their faces before going out in public, to the point where they begin to resemble members of the Manson family.

A little lip gloss? Sure. Some rouge? Fine. An earring or two--guy or girl? OK by me. A funky haircut? Hey, why not? I’m relatively hip. Do it, dude.

But decorate your face?

Look, I like the person I am with to feel independent, uninhibited, free. But if I pick up my date for a big football game and she gets into the car with her face painted red and yellow, I am going to drop her off at the next corner, and I might not even slow down.

At this point I might add that the free sample mailed to me by the good folks from Bellesport contained the “Team Colors” from Arizona State University. The day I paint my face with the colors from Arizona State will be the day I brush my teeth with Ben Gay.

“Get creative!” the package advises. “Make your own designs--like stripes across your nose, or a bull’s-eye on your cheek! Let your imagination run wild because Team Colors add fun and excitement.”

I’d like to put a bull’s-eye on these people’s cheek, then send a bull after them.

“Apply liberally from the stick, or paint on with a brush for a more artistic effect.”

Better still, use a spray can and make your face look like a New York subway car.

“Team Colors can easily be removed with soap and water, but Bonne Bell Ten-O-Six Cleansing Lotion is the best and easiest way.”

You bet your painted cheeks it’s the best and easiest way, Bonne. Why, I never wash my face with soap and water when I can buy some of your really good cleansing lotion.

So far, Team Colors are available in the colors of 11 National Football League teams--Bears, Bengals, Broncos, Browns, Cowboys, Dolphins, 49ers, Patriots, Raiders, Redskins and Seahawks--and a few colleges, including Clemson, Georgia, Iowa, Minnesota and Washington.

I gotta be honest with you. I don’t want my football crowds colorized.

I still like ‘em the old way--black and white.