TELEVISION REVIEWS : ‘DOLLY’ ON ABC

That Dolly Parton can really tell a joke. If only she didn’t try to sing.

Just kidding. Actually, it’s the reverse, evidenced by Sunday’s premiere of “Dolly” on ABC. When the new, slimmer and squeakier Parton was singing--which seemed about half of the time--her new variety series had at a least a chance. When she wasn’t, it stunk all the way to the Smokies.

No wonder the TV variety show has declined. “Dolly” is the classic square-peg-in-round-hole hour, with people who can’t joke (Parton) trying to joke, and people who can’t sing (guest Oprah Winfrey) trying to sing. Few people (Fox Broadcasting’s Tracey Ullman is an exception) succeed at both.

--The singing:

If you like Parton the singer (and I do--a lot), then you had to like her collaboration (“Do I Ever Cross Your Mind?”) with the harmony group Accappella and also her best solo, the traditional “Coat of Many Colors.” The latter was Parton at her most endearing, sweet and simple, sitting on a stool with her guitar. The show needs more of that.

It needs less of the Parton who warbled “Someone to Watch Over Me,” an overproduced personality in an overproduced number that approached parody. And it needs less of those Parton/guest star production disasters.

If Parton promises not to wrestle professionally, will Hulk Hogan stay out of music? And, if Parton vows to stay out of talk show hosting, will Winfrey give up gospel singing on national TV? Together, the awesomely tressed Miss Dolly and Miss Oprah filled the screen with dueling hair.

--The joking:

What “Dolly” needs least is its charming, musically gifted star attempting awkward monologues and appearing in awful comedy sketches. If you want funny sketches at 9 p.m. Sundays, try “The Tracey Ullman Show” on Fox (Channel 11) starring one of the most unusual and innovative comedy talents in the business. She can sing too.

And, finally, the new reduced Parton looks positively gaunt and anorexic (except you know where). It’s a toss-up which is thinner, her body or her show. “Inside of me, there’s a fat woman wantin’ to get out,” she said Sunday. And a comedian too, unfortunately.