A werewolf from Mars is something to think about. : Life on Zeta Reticuli

I am in possession of a Westside magazine called UFO, which chronicles the activities of extraterrestrials and those Earthlings they have abducted, examined and then returned to the bayous of Louisiana or the beaches at Malibu.

Shirley MacLaine, as I recall, was one of those who spent a pleasant afternoon with people from Zeta Reticuli, but to the best of my knowledge she has not revealed details of the visit.

The magazine used to be called California UFO, but the state’s name was phased out due to the general perception that anything from California is either pornographic or metaphysical, neither of which specifically applies.

The publishers are Vicki Cooper and Sherie Stark. Both are journalism graduates who started the magazine about six issues ago to help people make up their minds about what they call ufology .

When I asked if they actually believed the stuff they published, they said belief wasn’t the point, they were interested in exploring whatever information was available that did not come from loonies.

They determine mostly by instinct who is and who is not a loony and print those articles that seem to them un-loony.

An example might be a letter in their current issue that begins, “I have recently been appointed director of an anthropological research project of a major university based on another planet . . . “

Berkeley, no doubt.

I came into possession of UFO just about the time someone gave me a werewolf article from Star, the tabloid for people with learning disabilities.

I place werewolves in the same category as extraterrestrials. In fact, they may be one in the same. A werewolf from Mars is something to think about.

I suspect, however, that you are more likely to chance upon a werewolf than a Martian. Identity is important here.

If, for instance, you meet a snarling, hairy beast that is always thirsty, that’s a werewolf. According to Star, a werewolf is a someone whose saliva has dried up.

However, you have to be careful in your identification, because what you think is a werewolf might simply be a time-locked hippie from Topanga Canyon out for a stroll by the light of a full moon.

Topangans also howl but only when they’re happy. It is often said around Bruno’s Dead Dog Saloon that a howling Topangan is a happy Topangan.

They are also always thirsty, incidentally, as you will see from the bottles of Corona beer they are likely to be carrying. I should also mention that a bite from a Topangan will not necessarily turn you into an aging hippie, so not to worry.

There are estimated to be 250 werewolves in America, according to Star. I don’t know how many space aliens may be wandering around, but an article in UFO suggests it could be thousands.

According to a sketch in the magazine, they look amazingly like the little-adorable in Steven Spielberg’s “ET.” Their heads are shaped like Bosc pears with large luminous eyes. There is no mouth.

The drawing is a composite based on descriptions offered by those who have been abducted by extraterrestrials and taken aboard Pleiadian beamships.

Right. Beamships.

That happened to one abductee who said a woman Pleiadian named Semjase piloted the ship and took him on a fly-by of Mars.

Another article, however, suggests that space aliens look like us, due to samples of sperm and ova extracted from humans who had been kidnapped, thus allowing scientists from other worlds to create homo sapiens of their own.

A woman whose story of abduction is told in UFO suggests that her ovaries might have been tampered with, but no one seems able to prove it. She was picked up by someone with pure white hair and baby-soft skin and offered dark green coffee.

Then she apparently underwent surgery aboard a flying saucer but could not get Earth doctors to explain what the extraterrestrials had done, the implication being that they are all involved in a Vast Conspiracy of Silence.

wrap,l,13p5,12p5+1.5i

By the way, Cooper and Stark told me there’s an abductee support group being formed in L. A. (where else?) to assist those who are unable to deal with their experiences. A doctor who does not want his identity revealed is putting it together.

Well, sir.

I found UFO to be an interesting magazine, from its ads for Lakhovsky multiwave oscillators and Orgone energy blankets to an article on a crystal skull found in a Mayan temple that contains holographic images of space ships battling with magnesium light beams.

But I was especially pleased by the aforementioned letter to the editor from the professor of that major university on another planet.

He went on to say that extraterrestrial kidnapers mean us no harm. They are simply some of his high-spirited students out having a little fun.

Thank God for that. I was beginning to think they might be Reagan Supreme Court nominees floating through space on astral trips supplied by the devil weed.

I’m still not sure they aren’t.