Penning His Way to the Pen : Battle of the Bards Brightens Courtroom Banter

Olen Edward Bell, 38, knew he was headed for jail. He had pleaded no contest to charges of armed robbery and burglary after hidden cameras spied him stuffing women’s clothing up his pants leg in two San Diego Sears stores.

But unlike most offenders, who simply cast their fate to the wind at sentencing time, Bell took up his pen and composed a poem he hoped would strike a sympathetic nerve in Superior Court Judge Artie G. Henderson. He called the work “I’m Not a Criminal.”

They claim I’m a criminal but I disagree.

Nor will the record reflect, I’m a threat to society.

I committed a crime, that I can’t deny.

But no one seems to understand or cares about the reason why.

The fact is . . . I’m guilty!!!?? Of committing a public offense.

The law dictates I must suffer some type of consequence.

The representative of the people demands the maximum penalty.

After all, he intones, “He’s admitted, he’s guilty!”

BUT WAIT A MINUTE!! Listen to my plea.

I implore Your Honor not to judge me too harshly.

I don’t deserve the maximum, at least not this time.

The punishment isn’t commensurate with the crime!!

I importune Your Honor, with my head bowed in supplication,

To give my plea some extra consideration.

I’m not a criminal. My life hasn’t been crime free.

Still I profess, I’m not a threat to the community.

I didn’t rob, heck, I never attempted to kill.

Your Honor, my life is in your hands, to do with what you will!!??

I realize my actions some may misconstrue.

But, if I hurt anyone, I never intended to.

In all of us some wrongdoing is subliminal.

Though I stand accused, I’m not a criminal!!?

Impressed with the verse--and recognizing a challenge when he saw one-- Deputy Dist. Atty. A. David Stutz decided to respond in kind. At Bell’s sentencing Tuesday, Stutz recited his poetic retort, titled, “Yes, You Are a Criminal.”

Yes, you are a criminal, on this there is no dispute.

For you have chosen to live a life of ill-repute.

To steal is still a sin, to this you must agree.

Otherwise, Mr. Bell, you would not be in custody.

Every time you get out, you turn and do it again.

It’s a no-win situation. Aren’t you listening, my friend?

So we’ll put you away a little longer, even if you’re good at rhyme.

Because society will not tolerate your choice of a life of crime.

Yes, you are a criminal, on this we all agree.

And you have only yourself to blame for the fact that you’re not free.

Bell, who had received a copy of the prosecutor’s rhyme some time earlier, then asked to present a poetic rebuttal. Judge Henderson, bemused by the creative exchange, agreed and Bell treated the court to “No, I’m Not a Criminal.”

The D.A. claims I’m a criminal, of course I don’t agree.

I didn’t choose to live a life of crime, that’s not why I’m in custody.

But how do I explain to those of you . . . unlike me . . . that crime isn’t necessarily a choice.

For some it’s a necessity.

People who purposely perpetrate crime without reason or provocation,

Deserve some type of penalty, punishment or incarceration.

But people like me that have problems . . . and this is not just an excuse . . .

Commit crimes out of necessity due to substance abuse.

Well, you might say, it’s not society’s fault.

That you use drugs, committed a crime, and got caught.

Wash your hands of the matter, pretend you don’t see.

People like myself are victims, of an imperfect society.

Ignore my problem, turn your back on my plight.

Rationalize . . . you’re just doing your job . . . but does that make it right?

Send me to the penitentiary, God willing I’ll get out . . . again.

Will I be able to come to you and say . . . I need help my friend??

No, I’m not a criminal!! I admit I’m familiar with crime.

It would be ‘criminal’ to sentence me to an excessive amount of time.

To steal is a sin! Yet, none among us is sin-free.

If that be the case . . . Mr. D.A., then you’re just like me!

But, I won’t judge or point my finger at you . . . and you . . . and you.

I realize, sometimes we have no control over the things that we do.

I’m only human, with problems like anybody else.

So, before you call me a criminal take a good look at yourself.

No, I’m not a criminal, crime isn’t my forte.

I can’t help it . . . I just look this way.

I didn’t choose a life of crime, though I’ve done a lot.

But am I really a criminal . . . ?? No, I’m not!!

The verse, alas for Bell, was to no avail.

Though the judge praised his poetry, she still packed him off to jail.

The errant wordsmith’s sentence: five years and eight months.

“It was all very intriguing,” Henderson said later, “but of course it had no influence on the sentencing. I told Mr. Bell he had talent and should get involved with (theatrical) productions wherever he is institutionalized.”

Stutz, meanwhile, has gotten a lot of ribbing from colleagues about the incident, which earned him the title of prosecutorial poet laureate. But he says the experience was a meaningful one for him.

Not only did the episode add a “bit of humor and flavor and compassion” to the tedium of the sentencing process, but Stutz also admits he grew fond of Bell, who has three previous convictions for theft.

“I’ve been in this business for almost 25 years, and this is the first time I’ve really started to like the guy I was prosecuting,” said Stutz, who figures it took him 45 minutes to write his poetic reply to Bell. “I have no doubt Mr. Bell will send me poetry from jail, and I have no doubt I will respond in kind. He’s got talent, and a lot of the swipes he takes at society aren’t far off target.

“Heck, when he gets out, I’d even help him get a job.”