How Well Must You Know Person to Put Him/Her on Your Gift List?

‘Tis a gift to be simple, ‘tis a gift to be free, ‘tis a gift to come down where you ought to be. And when we find ourselves in the place just right, ‘twill be in the valley of love and delight.

--”Simple Gifts,” folk song

En route to the valley of love and delight, we tarry in the mall, looking for gifts, simple and otherwise.

Single Life went shopping this week, but we didn’t buy anything. We were looking for opinions.

How well do you have to know someone to buy that person a Christmas present? How do you choose a gift for your lover?

Have you ever tried to impress someone with a gift? Have you ever given back a gift?

“I gave back a ring once,” said Kori, 18, an Orange Coast College student from Huntington Beach. “Two years ago, this guy gave me a ring--after I had specifically said that I don’t wear rings!”

Kori kept the trinket for a while, dangling it around her neck on a chain.

“But I didn’t feel right about it,” she said, “so I finally gave it back. I wasn’t at all serious about this guy--he was 22, I was 16. And he seemed to feel that since he gave me a ring I owed him something, some big devotion.

“I tried to be real gentle when I gave it back, but he didn’t take it too well,” Kori said. “He wrote me this long letter telling me how mean I was. It was so ridiculous. What was on his mind giving me a ring in the first place? I was going to call and try to explain my side, but then I figured, what’s the point? He’s just thinking about himself anyway--he won’t even hear a word I’m saying.”

For Kori, shopping for gifts is one part browsing and two parts reminiscing.

“The way I shop isn’t, ‘OK, I like this guy. I guess I’ll get him a shirt.’ It’s not a question of money, and it’s not about how long I’ve known someone. If I’m going to buy a present, I want to get something that comes from a memory I have of the person. It’s got to be connected to some experience we’ve shared.

“There’s this guy I’m kind of dating now. We’ve gotten to know each other in the last two months. The first time I went out with him, I put on a red leather hat and asked him what he thought. He really liked the hat, but he asked me to change shoes. I was wearing purple shoes. He asked me to put on red shoes.

“I was just walking around the mall, and I saw a hat that would be perfect to get him. Even though it’s a girl’s hat and it’s not the same style as the one I have, it would still be perfect.”

“I guess I really like this guy,” she said, blushing. “I bought the hat. I can’t wait to see his face when he opens it.”

Brad, 29, said he bought gold jewelry for “a few special women” this year, “not one special- special. “ And he bought jewelry, he said, because that’s what he likes to give. Brad doesn’t respond well to wish lists.

“If I’m with a woman and she sees something in a store window and says, ‘I want that!’ I’ll say, ‘We’ll see.’ I won’t just rush out and buy it.”

“I like to buy what I think a woman will like, not something she asks for specifically,” Brad said, adding with a laugh: “That’s probably why I’m not married yet!”

Heidi, a hairdresser from Huntington Beach, bought “a whole bunch of things” for her boyfriend of 13 months.

“He just bought a (home), so I got him a lot of household things,” she said, “plus clothes.”

Last Christmas--when their relationship was just a few paces off the starting line--Heidi, 27, shopped with caution.

“I tried to keep it really low key last year,” she said. “We didn’t have anything set up as far as giving gifts. We didn’t talk about it. He didn’t know if I was buying anything, and I didn’t know if he was.”

“I got him a shirt and a tie,” she said, rolling her eyes at the old shirt-and-tie routine. “I wanted to stay within a reasonable amount of money because I didn’t want him to feel that he’d been overspent or that he was indebted. I can’t explain it, but I knew it would bother him if I spent more. I knew it would make him self-conscious.

“That’s just the way he is. Now that I’ve known him for more than a year, I know I was right about that.”

Cathy, 39, doesn’t have the luxury of shopping with abandon. Separated from her husband five years ago and divorced in 1985, Cathy said it’s a stretch just taking care of her two sons on a single salary.

“I’ve been seeing someone for about a year,” said the medical librarian from Huntington Beach. “I got him a sweater and some argyle socks and a book.

“I try to make the best use of the money I have--I buy on sale, I go to an outlet near where I live. But it’s difficult when you’re a single mom to find any extra dollars.”

“I only give presents to my kids and very, very special people,” said Bill, 43, a divorced father of two. “Cousins, uncles, brothers--I could care less. I don’t have a big gift-exchange program with a lot of people. Other than my kids and a few special people, I’m a real Scrooge.”

This year, one of those special people is a woman Bill met in September.

“I got her a bunch of gifts--a calendar, perfume, the most wonderful little teddy you ever saw in your life. I’m not an extravagant gift-giver,” said the Laguna Niguel auto graphics designer. “I’m not big into diamonds and jewels and spending $10,000 on someone I just met.

“I would never in a million years give a gift to impress a woman. I give because I love it when the people I care about get that joyous feeling. That’s the spirit of giving.”

Neither Cathy nor Bill is moved by the spirit of giving when it comes to their ex-spouses.

“I don’t have any desire to buy anything for him,” said Cathy.

“There’s no connection anymore,” said Bill.

Not so for Elliot.

Separated from his wife three years ago and now divorced, Elliot, 40, said he and his ex celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah with their 7-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son.

“We all hug and kiss and exchange gifts,” he said.

This year, the accountant from Costa Mesa also exchanged gifts with a woman he has been dating for four months.

“I bought her gold earrings and perfume,” he said. “That also happens to be what I bought for my wife.”

Whether buying gifts for an ex-wife or a new boyfriend, shopping for a present to reprise a memory or bargain-hunting, singles agree on one thing--best stated by Randy, 28, a sales rep from Newport Beach:

“If I give a gift, I expect exactly nothing in return. No comebacks.”

One Woman and a Baby

Attention all childless women heading for 40: Do you feel maternity calling? Have you considered going it alone--with a little help from a neighborhood sperm bank or an understanding friend? Are children on your wish list?

Image and Reality

Do you have a job that makes people think you’re something that you’re not? Are you a party-animal accountant? A sensitive truck driver? An artistic investment banker?

It’s Their Party, Cry if You Want To

One day you’ve got a pack of single friends; next day they’re all married. (OK, it doesn’t happen in a day, but it seems like it, doesn’t it?) How does it feel to watch your friends march down the aisle? Have you felt a twinge of jealousy? Anger? Are married friends any different from single friends, anyway?

We want to know about your thoughts and experiences. Send your comments to Single Life, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include your phone number so that a reporter may contact you. To protect your privacy, Single Life does not publish correspondents’ last names.