Widower, 62, Seeks Escape From Loneliness After 36-Year Marriage

It’s one thing to be single. But when the memory of a beloved spouse blankets every day with sadness, being alone can seem almost unbearable.

Ed, who lives in Westminster, wrote to Single Life:

” . . . I lost my beloved wife last April. After a happy 36 years, (during) which (we) were faithful to each other, I have no desire to meet a younger woman and can’t imagine one wanting to become involved with (someone who is) 62.

“I would like to meet someone 55 to 62 to join me for dinner, theater, hiking, a ride in the country. It is very lonely going to dinner or theater alone.

“At the time of the memorial service, the minister mentioned that during the difficult grieving period, friends should be in contact with me. (But) only those who have had similar losses have contacted me. Otherwise, people do not know how to approach one who is grieving.”

On the phone, the former banker--who retired to spend more time with his ailing wife before her death from cancer--said what he is seeking now is “primarily companionship.”

“It’s hard for people to approach someone,” he said. “The friends we had--a few would call, but there was not too much compassion from them. . . . A few have called and invited me over for dinner (not that I’m looking for free meals; I certainly can take them out).

“My daughter tried to be helpful, but she lives in Hawaii. My son lives in Ventura. They have to go on with their lives.

“I’m not looking for someone to replace my wife”--here he began to weep, as he would every time he spoke of her--”but just someone to go to dinner or a movie with rather than going alone. I have no desire to remarry.”

Now working three days a week for a friend in the wholesale-retail business (“It keeps my mind occupied”), Ed sometimes goes out to lunch with a woman who worked for him in his banking days. They don’t discuss his wife, which makes things “easier,” he said.

“But when I’m home, it’s not too easy. . . . Every time I think of her and talk of her. . . . “

Ed thinks people who have never experienced the loss of a spouse can’t understand his grief. “They don’t know what to say, how to phrase something so the person doesn’t break down.”

But he admitted--remembering his own awkward responses to grieving friends--”it’s a learning process for me, too.”

Asked if he would like to meet a widow, who might better understand his feelings, he seemed unsure. “Certainly someone easy to get along with or someone easy to have respect for,” he said. “It all depends on whom I were to meet.”

But Ed’s main desire right now is for companionship; romance is still out of season.

Ernie, a career counselor who lives in Anaheim, has been married twice (“And I’ll keep doing it till I get it right,” he said jovially). His first wife died of cancer after a 17 1/2-year marriage. After six years on his own, he married again. They were together for five years. But his wife developed a drinking problem.

Refusing to confront her problem, she ran off with a mutual friend, also an alcoholic, who eventually died of a liver disease. She and Ernie were divorced, and he no longer knows her whereabouts.

He agreed that it takes “at least a year or two” to get over the pain of the end of a loving marriage. But in his case, he found it harder to deal with his second wife’s health problems.

“You can’t help cancer; you’re helpless,” he said. “I had more difficulty going through (the experience of living with an alcoholic). . . . I felt I’d done everything right. We had a wonderful relationship. I couldn’t accept the fact that she was an alcoholic. I cried and cried for weeks and weeks. . . .”

Having endured the death of one of his children and two bankruptcies, in addition to the sad endings of his two marriages, Ernie said, “Everybody goes through pain and disease and tragedy, and it’s how you react and how you cope. You have to believe in something.

“I sat home and I cried and said ‘poor me.’ (Then I realized) I gotta get out and start doing something. I gotta risk. If the first guy asked the first girl for a kiss and she said no, we wouldn’t be here.”

He said he feels “good about myself. I don’t expect everybody to like me. . . . I know who I am and I don’t have that much time left and I want somebody to share my life with.”

But finding that “somebody” isn’t easy. Ernie wrote to Single Life:

“I’m 65, 5-feet 10-inches, 143 pounds, a well-groomed, trim, sincere, affectionate, mature, professional businessman, well read and traveled. I’m self-confident and have an outgoing personality, with a sense of humor along with a positive attitude toward life.

“I’m not ashamed to say I’m 65. I don’t look it, I don’t feel it and I don’t act it. I believe you don’t grow old by living a number of years. You grow old by losing your zest and enthusiasm for life. My various interests include bridge, music, movies, dancing, reading and travel.

“I’m only interested in women who are over 55 years young, attractive, feminine, intelligent and adventuresome, who are comfortable with their own personalities and would enjoy open, honest, warm communication.”

We asked him what he meant by “over 55 years young. “

“People say men my age are only interested in younger women. That’s a bunch of baloney. . . . I’m looking for a companion, a playmate. Most women my age are matronly and they’ve let themselves go, and it’s sad. They’re not optimistic. They’re singing the blues about being old or their (deceased) husbands. I don’t want to hear this.”

Ernie said he has learned to steer clear of widows who have been single for less than two or three years.

“I found I couldn’t handle it anymore. They eulogize this guy. Three years ago a delightful gal invited me back to her home after dinner and took me through her photo albums. I said, ‘Hey, he’s a wonderful guy, but I suggest you go on with your life.’

“I eliminate them pretty fast,” Ernie admitted. “Some women are nuts about their grand-kids. I say, ‘Where are you going to fit me in? I want you to be a major part of my life.’ ”

Also on his “avoid” list are women with all-consuming careers who “don’t need a man except occasionally.” Then, he said, there are the women who fear unwanted sexual advances from him.

“A lot of these gals won’t invite the guy in after the movie for a cup of tea. When I’ve invited a woman to dinner, I’ve told her, ‘Anything that will happen is because you want it to happen or we want it to happen.’ And I never make a move.”

His main complaint is older women’s lack of assertiveness.

“I’ve been in the senior citizen’s centers and I feel I’m dancing with my grandmother,” he said. “All these gals sitting here with all these glum faces! It takes a lot of guts for a guy to ask them to dance. I say, ‘Why don’t you ask me. ‘ And they say, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t do that. Why don’t you ask me? Nice girls don’t do this.’ ”

But isn’t this rather hard on women who grew up in another era with different expectations of social behavior? And don’t they need “a lot of guts” too?

Ernie doesn’t think so. “Everybody has to go out and prospect,” he said. “You’re selling yourself. Don’t take rejection personally.”

Noting that he takes pains to shave and dress attractively even when he goes to the market, he pointed out that the initial impression people make on others is also important.

“The way a person dresses--that’s a portrait of themselves. . . . I can’t stand someone disheveled or a lousy dresser or fat. They’re saying, “I don’t like myself. I’m a nut on that. . . . I want somebody intelligent, feminine, who’s attractive.

So does he ever meet older women he finds attractive?

“I had an experience not too long ago,” he said, “where I took a woman--she’s about 57, 58--to an erotic movie, not X-rated but very sensual and beautifully done. After the movie I said, ‘Let’s get a bite to eat.’ She said, ‘I don’t want you to stop anywhere but drive to my place as fast as possible.’

“I walked into the living room and she disappeared. She came into the hallway half-undressed and said, ‘You’d better get your clothes off or I’m gonna rape you.’ I was absolutely helpless. But I tell you there was too much aggressiveness. I have the bruises to prove it.

“She said, ‘If you plan on leaving sometime during the night, be sure to kiss me goodby.’ I said I had no intention of leaving. Next morning she brought me juice and coffee in bed and we hugged. . . . It was a marvelous day. We went to the Bowers Museum and she fixed a nice dinner. It was just wonderful to snuggle and cuddle like a bunch of kids.

“Now that was aggressiveness. It just overwhelmed me. I was stunned. We laughed about it afterward.

“A man who feels good about himself and is very outgoing welcomes an assertive women. . . . Orange County has 300 singles clubs. There are five or six women for every guy. It’s competitive. These gals have to go after these guys.”

Let’s give “Lil”--the lonely, youthful widow in Laguna Beach whose letter has drawn so much mail--the last word for now:

“Guess I opened a real can of worms with my letter about being lonely in Laguna,” she wrote to Single Life. “I do want to apologize to all my lovely neighbors in Leisure World if I offended them in any way. They are very sweet people and it is beautiful here.

“However, I feel I have to defend myself, just this once, against a recent ‘attack letter’ by an 81-year-old lady:

“You were fortunate to have your husband with you until you were in your 70s--I lost mine at age 56! Slight difference!

“You suggest volunteerism as the answer to my plight. My dear lady, I have given hundreds of volunteer hours, in schools, hospitals, charities, etc. Now I feel it’s time for me to relax and enjoy my golden years--and, yes, hopefully male companionship--and I really don’t think that makes me a ‘retard,’ as you suggest.”

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