Readers Say Choosy Fellow Is Looking for a Fantasy, Advise Lowering Sights

Mitchell, the 35-year-old physician from Huntington Beach who said he scrutinizes possible dates with a precise and demanding eye, has come under some pretty close scrutiny himself from readers.

A lover of opera, classical music and other cultural pursuits, Mitchell wrote that “trying to find a female companion to take to these events is a very frustrating experience.”

“I don’t want to sound snobbish, but it always surprises me that an aerobics class will usually have a priority over a cultural event,” he said. “A friend of mine called this the ‘leisure mentality,’ which seems to pervade both L.A. and Orange counties.”

Mitchell said he had had many dates that were arranged through personal ads, had also attended meetings of singles groups and had searched for suitable women in bars, all with little success.

The rub, however, appeared when Mitchell listed his requirements for suitability: She must be culturally attuned, Jewish, petite, well-proportioned and younger than 35.

Two female readers maintained that he was asking for too much. One of them, Donna, a 24-year-old student from Irvine, said she had encountered such standards before and didn’t like it.

“I’m awfully sick of hearing about these poor men who simply can’t find a woman who’s a sex object and highly intelligent to boot,” she wrote. “There are many intelligent women out there who some men find sexy and beautiful in what I’ll call a ‘non-mainstream’ or unconventional sort of way. These women are smart and secure enough that they don’t need to follow the latest trends (suntans, hair styles, etc.) in order to feel acceptable, and they don’t strive to look like Heather Locklear or other TV women that men go crazy over. Yet, because of this, many men aren’t attracted to them.

“I also think that because these women are brave enough to reject society’s standards of how a beautiful woman ‘should’ look, some men are intimidated (by them). These men don’t want a woman who’s not willing to conform. . . . They want someone who’ll please their egos and impress their friends. Hence, we have men like Mitchell, who have ‘never seriously considered dating a woman who shared (their) interests, yet wasn’t (their) physical ideal.’

“Oh, come on, guys.”

Yes, Donna said, it’s tough out there, for women as well as men. She confessed to having “a hell of a time finding intelligent, sensitive men who shared my interests (reading, traveling, social issues, alternative movies and music, art, etc.). Almost all of the men had none of (those) interests.

“Whether they were ‘good-looking’ or in college did not make much difference. Their main interests were money, sex, sports, drinking and cars.

“The men in college saw their education as a means to an end (i.e., money and social status). When I attempted to discuss subjects ranging from astronomy to current events to books, the reactions I received ranged from boredom to discomfort to an ‘oh, you’re so cute when you talk like that’ attitude.”

For Donna, persistence and patience paid off. She said she has been married for seven months to a man who shares her interests and is kind, thoughtful and beautiful--”in a non-mainstream sort of way, of course.”

Something unusual happened when another reader, Lisa, read the column about Mitchell: She recognized him.

“I’ve met you!” she wrote. “You attended a Jewish singles event last summer in Anaheim Hills on a Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, the event was sparsely attended--just you and another guy and about three of us girls. Instead of trying to take advantage of the intimate atmosphere, however, and ask one of us girls for our number, you spent a lot of time swapping condo stories with the other guy.”

She said she remembered him talking about opera, his practice in ophthalmology and his roots in Ohio.

How did Mitchell’s shopping list of female attributes strike her, we wanted to know. In a telephone interview, Lisa, who is a 31-year-old education student living in Fullerton, said Mitchell’s “standards are artificially high. You have to wonder about some of these guys.

“When a guy says he wants someone petite, for instance, he’s probably going to be short himself. (Mitchell) was a nice person, but to be honest he’s not the person who would stand out in a crowd.”

Mitchell had said as he grows older his “standards seem to go higher than the way they were 10 years ago. . . . I’m at a point where I don’t feel I have to lower my standards.”

But, Lisa said, he might want to consider doing just that.

“I think everybody wants everything in another person,” she said, “but you have to start making compromises as you get older. You might have wanted somebody who wasn’t divorced or didn’t have children, but as you get older you’ll probably have to start considering people like that.

“I think (Mitchell’s) being unrealistic, definitely. Not about wanting someone who’s Jewish but about the physical characteristics. In a sense, he’s looking for what’s right for him, but I think he’s hurting his chances because these (women) have to fit into a fantasy. I don’t think I’d want someone who fit all my characteristics.”

But never fear, she said. The right group of people may yield up Mitchell’s perfect woman, and the group she suggested is called MOT (Member of the Tribe) Singles. Begun, she said, by a couple from a Jewish temple in Whittier, MOT Singles holds gatherings in Orange County, as well as in Whittier, Hacienda Heights and other locations.

“It does not have the (kosher) meat market atmosphere of Young Jewish Professionals (a group mentioned by Mitchell), a group that I’ve tried only once,” Lisa wrote. “At my first meeting with MOT, I met someone very nice and have been involved in a relationship now for eight months.”

Conspicuously Single

If you are in your 30s or 40s and have never been married, what sort of reaction do you get about it from new people in your life? Are they surprised or suspicious? Are they happy to have found a free spirit, or do they wonder if you’re afraid of commitment? Do they think you’re sensible, or are they convinced that there must be something “wrong” with you?

And So to Bed--Maybe

In the age of AIDS, is sex still an assumed part of a romantic relationship? Or was it ever? How well do you think you need to know someone before becoming sexually intimate? How can you be sure you’re ready to take the step--and how much of a risk, both emotional and physical, is involved?

You Thrive on Overtime; Your Honey’s on the Freeway at 5 p.m.

If you and the person in your life view jobs or careers in different ways, how has this affected your relationship? Are you tired of being stood up by someone more in love with work than with you? Or are you on the other side, frantically trying to make room for romance in a life addicted to work?