After Third Affair, ‘Other Woman’ Is Getting Tired of Sharing

Maureen was in the mood for company last Monday afternoon, so she picked up the phone and dialed her boyfriend’s number. It rang once, twice, three times, and then when Maureen heard the answering machine, she hung up.

An hour or so later, she did the same thing. She didn’t dare leave a message. His wife might have heard it.

Maureen lives in a south Orange County coastal community (she would rather not be more specific). According to the numbers on her driver’s license, she is 65, but “I look more like 48,” she said matter-of-factly. This relationship is her third foray into the life of “the other woman.” And it may be her last, she said.

“It’s a one-way street and everything is going in the other person’s direction,” she said. “It’s unrewarding in the end, it really is.”

So far we have heard from two sides of the infidelity triangle: the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed partner. After she read last Saturday’s column, Maureen called and volunteered to speak for the third side: the other woman (or man).

By necessity, hers is the least visible role of the three. She can’t leave messages or any other signs of her existence in his life. And if she needs something while he is concentrating on the woman who is his first priority, she has to do without his help. Only her closest and most trusted friends--if anyone--can even know of her involvement.

At least, that is the way it usually happens. But remember, this is Maureen’s third affair with a married man. The first two situations weren’t quite like that, she said.

“I had a long, very unhappy marriage,” Maureen said. “I was faithful the whole time.” She never worried about whether her husband was unfaithful. Too many other things were wrong. “Finally, we came to an understanding. He didn’t want a divorce, wouldn’t go to counseling, wouldn’t stop drinking, so in effect, he gave me a carte blanche card to lead my own life.”

Maureen established her independence by having “open” affairs with two married men. In both cases, the wives knew and did not object.

“Both of these men were quite wealthy. They played around quite a bit, and their wives accepted that as part of the price of having the nice houses and cars and all that,” Maureen said.

“The first man was my neighbor. I’m out there walking my dog, and--they had just moved in--he says, ‘Have you seen the house?’ So we start talking, and then they invite me to a party, where he approaches me about having a relationship. It was all in the open; she knew about it. That was fine,” Maureen said. “She even used to invite me over for dinner. She was quite amiable.”

The first affair lasted about a year. Then Maureen met another man, ended the first relationship and began a second affair that lasted for two years.

“The second man was with his wife when I met him, at a resort in the mountains. He took an immediate interest. Then his wife started inviting me to their house here in Orange County. Finally she said, ‘I know where you’re going, and it’s OK. I trust you.’ He had had other affairs, but the women were all very predatory. They wanted to get him away from his wife. I wasn’t like that, so she liked me,” Maureen said.

“When I started (the first of) these relationships, I had been married almost 30 years. My sex life and my social life were at zero. It was good for my ego, what can I tell you? These were not unattractive men. They taught me a great deal about myself as a woman. Those relationships were what set me free.” Through them, Maureen said, she got the confidence to confront her husband and go through with the divorce despite his objections.

“I enjoyed both of them; they did a lot for me. One of the men had a private plane, and we took it to Mexico and Las Vegas, all over. The other man wined and dined me all up and down the West Coast.

“I used to laugh about it, you know, if it’s Tuesday it must be Harry.” Sometimes, she said, the wives even laughed with her.

“I wasn’t emotionally involved with either of them. I liked them; they were good sexual partners, but it just wasn’t there. Maybe I’m too much of a romantic, but to me, it’s either there or it isn’t. I really liked these men, but they didn’t stir my heart at all. So I was able to keep my head.”

The affairs ended when Maureen’s heart was “stirred” by a man 18 years her junior. “I fell in love with the guy,” she said. “We lived together five years, and that was the most successful relationship I’ve had. Then he got transferred to another state, and I didn’t want to leave my business here. We kept in touch for a while, but we decided it was best that I didn’t follow him.”

Maureen met her current lover--he is 55--last year on a trip. “He was tall, a good dancer, well-educated, we got along well. He told me he was living with somebody; that didn’t bother me. I had no designs on upsetting his life.

“We didn’t see each other for a while, and then all of a sudden, he called me and said he got married. So I said, ‘If you got married, why do you want to see me?’ And he said, ‘Just as a friend.’

“I’ve been around quite a bit, and I suppose I’m sort of cynical because of that. I knew what he meant. He asked if he could stop by and see me, and it just went from there.”

Maureen admits that she was a bit surprised at the differences in a surreptitious relationship. “It beats going out there and sitting around in a bar looking for somebody. But essentially, you get used a lot. I’ve just kind of put this one on the scales--you know, it’s when he can see me, not when I need to see him. The next time I see him, I’m going to say, hey, this is it.

“It’s not just that I’m getting shortchanged. I feel uncomfortable for the man’s wife.

“The other thing I’m going to tell him is, ‘Be careful.’ These married people (having affairs) are playing with fire. I mean, I’m well-adjusted, but the next one he gets involved with may not be. I’ve seen ‘Fatal Attraction.’ It’s dangerous.

“And for anyone who’s considering being an ‘other woman’ or ‘other man,’ my advice is don’t get emotionally involved. I feel sorry for people who do. It’s just very unusual for these things to work out. And everyone ends up getting hurt.”

Another reason she is ready to stop being “the other woman,” Maureen said, is that “I’m very definitely ready to get into a relationship. I’m extremely independent and financially independent, too. I took what I got from the divorce and worked with it, so now I have total freedom to come and go as I please. I enjoy not having to rush home and fix anybody’s dinner.

“So I don’t really need a man. But I would love to get involved with someone emotionally. And I’m feeling a sense of urgency now, I mean, I’m going to be 66 this summer. But I don’t think I’ll get involved with another married man.”

Have you been unfaithful (or betrayed)?

You can still join our discussion on infidelity. We would particularly like to hear from men--married ones as well as “other men”--and from spouses who said, “It’s over,” when they found out they had been betrayed.

A step removed

In fairy tales, stepmothers are wicked and ugly. In real life, stepparents don’t always get the intimacy and respect their “real” counterparts do. If you are a stepparent or a stepchild, tell us how you feel about the barriers that keep you--or them--from blending into the family.

Send your comments to Family Life, Orange County Life, The Times, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, Calif. 92626. Please include your phone number so that a reporter may call you. To protect your privacy, Family Life does not publish correspondents’ last names.

Next Saturday: Extenuating circumstances.