Trampled in the Rush to Relax

The increasing pressure to relax, to avoid stress, to do something fun, is claiming new victims. Tragically, many laid-back people find themselves compulsively relaxing. They are known as lazoholics. And now they have their own support group.

Lazoholics Anonymous, which began in Santa Cruz, Calif., has branches in 50 cities, including seven in the Hawaiian Islands. The organization’s founder describes himself this way: “Hi. My name is Dustin Offenbach. I’m 43 years old, and I am lazy.

“I’ve only held two jobs in my life,” Offenbach continues. “One was as a snow remover in Las Vegas and the other was as a male heterosexual waiter in San Francisco. Both were seasonal. I would practice stress reduction and biofeedback to get through the workday.”

He started the organization to help others deal with the guilt that comes from a life spent counting the holes in acoustic ceiling tile. He quickly discovered there were others like him. Different in many ways but sharing the intense drive to do nothing.

Myrna Stemware, 36, a housewife in Akron, Ohio, heard about the organization on “Oprah” and started the first Midwestern branch. Stemware traces her problem back to high school, where the yearbook describes her this way: hall monitor, French Club sergeant-at-arms, Slow Dancing Queen runner-up.

She says the plight of lazoholism is particularly acute in the nation’s heartland. “Here I was surrounded by fanatic Judeo-Christians rushing off to work,” she said, “but come 9 a.m., I simply had to have a nap to restore my inner balance before I could tackle the low-maintenance yard.”

Lou, 29, an environmental quality worker in Ho-Ho-Kus, N.J., who does not want his identity revealed, says he used to spend his time compulsively goofing off. “I would be driving to work,” he says, “and halfway out the driveway I’d start meditating like crazy.”

Lou decided to seek help when his wife of seven years--Mrs. Lou Levitt, 3950 Springsteen Way--left him and he couldn’t care less.

The problem of lazoholism is on the rise in the downwardly mobile, low-achieving, slow-track communities of California where hundreds of young adults supported by inherited wealth live lives of quiet vegetation.

Existing only on fries and nachos, they swim, surf and defy the ozone layer. The more intellectual among them sit at cafes and write haiku. As one wrote recently, “Sun in my eyes . . . / my shades in the car.”

Now these like-minded dim bulbs can come together at LA (Lazoholics Anonymous) meetings. Free espresso is served in an attempt to speed up the discussion, although many participants still cling fanatically to their herbal tea.

If you think you may suffer from lazoholism, take the following test--if you can get it together:

1--Do you find yourself thinking about taking a vacation while still on one?

2. Do you find your sick leave is used up when you actually get sick?

3--Do you find it hard to do even one thing at a time?

4--Do you get annoyed when people talk about work-related matters at the office?

5--When the boss leaves, do you get out your tape deck and yell, “Party!”?

6--Do you ever wish there were more Japanese at your company so you wouldn’t have to do as much?

If you answered yes to any two of these questions, contact your local LA branch. With a little effort you can call yourself a Recovering Lazoholic.