‘Who is Tanya Hook? Who cares? You make her up.’ : Cheers and Kisses

I have begun an informal investigation to find a way to convince the people of Thousand Oaks that their city manager deserves a raise of $5,260 a year. That might not seem a considerable sum in a state accustomed to $38-million lottery jackpots, but it means a good deal in Thousand Oaks. It would break the $100,000 barrier.

Breaking a public salary barrier does not generate the same warm response as breaking an athletic barrier, which is generally greeted by wild cheering and warm kisses from a local beauty queen. Roger Bannister, for instance, became an overnight hero when he conquered the 4-minute mile.

City Manager Grant Brimhall, however, is not likely to become an overnight hero in Thousand Oaks if the council just willy-nilly gives him another five grand a year.

In the first place, no constituency anywhere wants to pay a city official one penny more than it absolutely has to. In the second place, a salary barrier is a formidable impediment.

Never before in the history of Thousand Oaks has anyone in municipal government made that much money in one year, not counting what they might have slipped away with in midnight withdrawals or in perks granted to those in high positions. A week in Paris, for instance, at taxpayers’ expense to attend an international civic conference on subterranean water.

The Thousand Oaks City Council realized it would need help to push Brimhall up and over the $100,000 barrier, so it hired a consulting firm for $8,000 to determine exactly how it should be done, a revelation which in itself has not exactly been greeted with cheers and kisses.

The consulting firm studied the question very carefully and decided that the people were not ready to pay their city manager 100 big ones. It suggested that a public relations campaign be conducted to convince them otherwise.

Therefore, sometime in the next week or so the council will debate the kind of campaign to initiate on behalf of Mr. Brimhall’s historic endeavor. Pursuant to my policy of public service to the suburbs, I have a few modest suggestions.

I must say first of all that I discussed the question with acquaintances in the public relations field and what I offer now is an accumulation of their wisdom and knowledge which, while it amounts to very little, does fill space.

One, for instance, suggested that the campaign be geared around Brimhall’s impoverished condition. He would attire the city manager in, as it were, homeless chic to point up the difficulty of getting by on a lousy $97,740.

That, however, doesn’t strike me as wise in a city where about a fourth of the population earns up to $75,000 a year and would prefer not to be reminded that there are those who do not drive BMWs and dine on coq de bruyere.

Another of my press agent friends decided that the city manager required a higher profile to be considered for a $100,000 salary and suggested sexual scandal as the latest image-enhancing technique being applied to those either in or on the periphery of power.

Sexual scandal is an enticing idea, so I asked the P.R. man, who wisely chose to remain nameless, exactly how he would do this. I’ll call him Sam.

“Easy,” Sam said, to whom everything shoddy appears easy. “He just calls a press conference and denies that there was any sexual impropriety in his weekend in Santa Barbara with Tanya Hook, the former exotic dancer, nude model and expert in municipal tax reduction programs.”

“I don’t remember Mr. Brimhall being accused of anything like that.”

“He wasn’t, but that don’t matter. What you need here is to capture the public’s attention. It’s like clearing your throat. You clear your throat and everybody looks at you wondering what’s going on.”

“Who is Tanya Hook?”

“Who cares? You make her up. She’s Donna Rice, Jessica Hahn or what’s her name, the bimbo who shut out what’s his name.”

“Paula Parkinson who shut out Dan Quayle.”

“Right.”

“But wouldn’t this embarrass Mr. Brimhall’s family, damage his reputation and place his moral standing in jeopardy?”

“The guy’s going for money, not sainthood! Cash comes with notoriety in America. Gary Hart is making a fortune on the lecture circuit, Jimmy Bakker brings in another 10 grand every time Tammy cries and Quayle wasn’t known from peanut butter until somebody said he couldn’t get laid by a lobbyist.”

I don’t know. Denying a sexual tryst that never existed seems excessive and unethical to me. Sam meant well but, notwithstanding current moral standards, sleeping with an expert on urban tax reduction is probably not the way to go.

Thousand Oaks may just have to forget the P.R. campaign. Sex may sell soap but I doubt that it’s going to sell salary. Perhaps the council should simply authorize a $5,000 study every year and let the city manager conduct it.

They’d end up $3,000 richer and not have to explain Tanya Hook.