New Jersey Transvestite Provides a Happy Home for Ailing Toddler

A transvestite and a toddler with AIDS-related complex are living together in an unusual foster parenting arrangement, as officials increasingly look to non-traditional care for a growing number of children with the disease.

“We have to aggressively search out foster parents,” said Norman Reim, a spokesman for the New Jersey Division of Youth and Family Services. “New Jersey is breaking new ground in the nation in the way it handles pediatric AIDS cases.”

Of the 164 New Jersey children who have tested positive for the AIDS virus, the majority are with relatives, but 46 are in foster care and five are at a group home in Elizabeth, Reim said.

His agency agreed to let a reporter visit the transvestite foster parent and child only on condition that their hometown and names not be disclosed.

“Bobby,” as the foster parent will be called here, says his life has been fulfilling since he brought home 3-year-old “Kevin” in December.

They live in an old neighborhood, where drug addicts and alcoholics hang out on street corners. The toddler is never far from Bobby’s side.

“I’ve had to cut back on entertaining my girlfriends,” Bobby said, referring to his transvestite friends. “That’s the hardest thing. . . . But I have to be careful about who comes in now.”

He acknowledges his homosexuality and his penchant for living like a woman and wearing feminine clothing and jewelry. Since becoming a foster parent he has stopped working as a female impersonator, he said.

He wants Kevin, who does not know he is a man, to think of his foster parent as an aunt.

“I don’t want Kevin to call me ‘Mom’ because I’m not his mother,” he said. “If I kept him, as he got older I would have to someday explain my life style to him.

“You know, we’re all people, regardless of our life styles. We’re all God’s people, and the way we dress or act doesn’t make us love any differently,” he said. “My sexual preference is different, but nothing else is.”

Bobby’s male companion does not live at the house but is a frequent visitor. In the course of their relationship, Bobby decided that he wanted the fulfillment of a child.

“I went to see (the family services agency), and I was a little surprised that they even talked to me,” he said. “They came out to inspect my home, but I really didn’t think it would go through. People are stereotyped about gay people.”

When the state approached Bobby about caring for an AIDS child, he was skeptical.

“Then I realized that these kids don’t get the love they should get,” he said. “Most people don’t want sick children, especially children with AIDS. They see them, they think they’re cute, but they don’t want them.

“The first time I went to the hospital to see him, I thought he would be a little, sickly thing, but he’s an adorable little kid.”

State officials say they do not question a foster parent applicant’s sexual preference.

“When we evaluate a home, we check to see if the individual or the people who will be parents in the home are able to provide a loving, safe, nurturing atmosphere,” Reim said.

Foster parents who care for AIDS children receive $700 a month and another stipend depending on how sick the child is, compared to the average of $215 per month for foster children who are not ill, Reim said.

“This is a new set of incentives to try and recruit foster parents to take care of kids with AIDS,” he said.

“You also have to realize that some of these children sometimes need more intensive care, and sometimes will require a parent to be home full time,” Reim said. “You need to compensate them for that.”

Before Bobby could take Kevin home, he had to take extensive lessons on how to care for an AIDS child. Rubber gloves must be worn when changing diapers. The bathtub must be scrubbed with bleach after each bath. Kevin must be closely watched when playing with other children.

“Wearing gloves just kills me,” Bobby said. “To me, you pick up trash and garbage with rubber gloves.

“But to me, it’s basic care,” he said. “When he looks at me with those eyes at night and hugs me before he goes to sleep, there’s no money in the world that can buy that feeling.”

One of the harshest realities, however, is realizing that Kevin may not live long.

“If he grows up to be 15 or 16, I’d be happy,” Bobby said.