Next Time, Maybe They’ll Just Whistle While They Work

My least favorite TV commercial is the one featuring the sports hero who is going to Disneyland. Orel Hershiser is the most recent star to sign up for the trip.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t consider Hershiser a greedy capitalist pig because he yelled “I’m going to Disneyland” a few seconds after pitching the Dodgers to a world championship.

For one thing, it seemed honest. Orel Hershiser is the kind of guy who probably would celebrate a great personal triumph by going to Disneyland, even if nobody paid him to say so. He might even take his son.

Besides, the Disney people paid Orel $50,000 for delivering that one line, and who would turn down that kind of work? For $50,000, I would wade naked through a toxic waste dump.

And I know the value of money. By sheer coincidence, $50,000 is the exact amount I have dropped at Disneyland over the years.

Still, I resent the Disneyland commercials. If you haven’t seen them, they go like this:

Action footage of Harry Hero winning the Super Bowl/World Series/Big Event . . . Background music is “When You Wish Upon a Star” . . . As Hero is shown walking/running off field, a warm and upbeat voice says: “Harry Hero! You’ve just won the Super Bowl! You’re on top of the world! Where are you going now?”

Harry Hero looks into the camera and says, “I’m going to Disneyland!”

It’s cute, I admit it.

But look, TV commercials have already ripped off all the great rock ‘n roll songs for ketchup and car commercials. They even turned Joe DiMaggio into Mr. Coffee. They have taken anything we love and honor and used it to sell a product.

Is nothing sacred?

Only this: The pristine, shining moment of ultimate athletic triumph.

Now that moment is gone, sold to Disneyland.

OK, that moment is not actually gone. TV viewers can still enjoy that moment, if they don’t mind sharing it with corporate America.

The Disneyland commercials come across as spontaneous, but they aren’t. Hershiser was asked to do at least four takes as he ran off the Oakland Coliseum field. In most of the news photos of Orel just after the last pitch, the producer of the commercial is seen clinging to his side.

Fortunately, the Disney film crew did get a clear shot of the final pitch of that game, so Orel didn’t have to go back out on the mound and strike out Tony Phillips again. (“This time, Tony, when you miss, could you spin around and fall on your back?”)

I don’t expect the Disney people to drop an obviously successful campaign just because one grumpy sportswriter doesn’t like it. But maybe they will consider broadening the concept. Why limit the field to winners? Can’t depressed people go to Disneyland, too?

How about Danny Manning, for instance?

Open with a shot of Manning and his agent storming out of the Clipper offices, slamming the door behind them. Cue music and peppy voice-over:

“Danny Manning! You and your agent, that dippy-looking guy there in the suit, have just been insulted by the Clippers’ latest contract offer of only $2 million a year!

“You’re obviously trying to take advantage of the Clippers’ history of bumbling incompetence! You’re banking on the fact that the Clippers have looked so doggone foolish in the past that they can’t afford to let their No. 1 draft pick slip away, now that they are on the brink of respectability!

“You know the Clippers will do almost anything to sign you! You’re hoping they will even lose their heads and forget that you’re just not that great, that you’re no Bird or Magic or Jordan, that you went scoreless against the Soviets!

“Now it looks as if the Clippers, despite their foolhardy ad campaign featuring you, are not caving in to your unrealistic contract demands!

“The season’s about to start without you, Danny! You can’t even go out on the playground to get into a shirts-and-skins game because you might break a leg! The Clippers are going to Philadelphia for their season opener! Where are you going, Danny?”

Manning: “I’m going to Disneyland . . . after I find where you’re hiding and make you eat that microphone!”

Or what about Jay Schroeder? I think a lot of us can relate to his frustration.

“Hey, Jay Schroeder! You’ve recently arrived in Los Angeles, and you were supposed to be the answer to the Raiders’ prayers! Instead, you’ve looked more like the winner of a Marc Wilson playalike contest!

“You came to play, but--surprise!--the Raiders already have a starting quarterback! What now, Jay? Are you going to go back and sit quietly on the bench? Are you heading for the nearest tavern, there to sit in the dim light and stew angrily about the unfairness of it all? Where are you going now, Jay?”

Schroeder: “That depends. Does Disneyland need a quarterback?”

Or, “Gene Autry! You’ve gone to the free-agent marketplace! You’ve gone to your minor league system! Trying to build a league championship team and failing for 28 incredible seasons, you’ve gone crazy! Now where are you going?”

Autry: “I’m going to Disneyland! I hear they have a wishing well. I have some ballplayers I wish to throw in.”

My hunch is that Disney will stay with its proven advertising formula.

So next time I’m watching TV and that commercial comes on . . . I’m going to the restroom!