This Clipper Victory Will Certainly Rank as One for the Ages

Wednesday, Feb. 8, 1989--a day that will live in infamy.

Clippers win! Clippers win! Clippers win!

You were there. You saw it. You couldn’t believe your eyes. Eyes, you said, stop your lyin’. Clippers didn’t just win. You must be seeing things. Eyeballs, behave yourselves.

Clippers couldn’t have just won. Clock don’t strike 13. Chicken don’t lay no apples. Cat don’t chase no dog.

Darned if they didn’t, though. Darned if they didn’t beat the Houston Rockets, of all teams. Darned if they didn’t win after losing 19 straight. Darned if they didn’t deny themselves their rightful place in basketball history--as World Chumps.

Five seconds left. Rockets looking for one last shot. You can cut the excitement with a saw.

Four. Three. Up it goes. Off the rim. Rocket goes up for the rebound. Two. One. Gary Grant stole the ball! Gary Grant stole the ball!

Actually, he didn’t steal it. Just poked it away in mid-air. But this sounds better. Grant stole the ball! Yeah. That’s how it’ll be remembered throughout history. Remind the Clipper announcer to do it that way when they cut the souvenir record album.

Put it on the Clipper season highlight film. Come to think of it, make it the season highlight film. The horror film with the happy ending. Now available in video stores everywhere. Scarier than Jason. Scarier than Freddy. Scarier than the Fly, the Blob, the Thing, the Zombies and the Village People. Night of the Living Clippers.

They won without Danny (Nothing Beats a Great Pair of Legs) Manning, who is sitting out the 1980s. They won without Quintin Dailey, who is currently undergoing treatment at the Betty Crocker Clinic. They won without much help from Reggie Williams, who is currently considering job offers from Loyola Marymount and Oklahoma as defensive coordinator.

They won without Coach Gene Shue, who got the ax. Being fired as coach of the Clippers is like being hired as Tommy Lasorda’s food taster. It’s sort of unnecessary. To be the Clippers and fire your coach is like being bald and firing your barber.

Anyway, Don Casey got the job. No, not Don Chaney. Don Casey. Don Chaney was the coach of this scary franchise before Shue. Or was it Lon Chaney? We forget. Anyway, Don Casey got the job, the lucky pup. It’s a bad dream come true. Maybe next year he can be named chairman of American Motors. Or run a savings and loan. Or sell Air Benoit Benjamin shoes.

Anyway, Coach Don Casey finally beat somebody. Who’d he beat? The coach of the Houston Rockets. Don Chaney. Yes, that’s right. Don Chaney has died and gone to Basketball Hell. He has been fired and beaten by the Clippers in the same decade.

Don Chaney said nice things. He said some’s gotta win, and some’s gotta lose, and he was sorry to be the latter some. Don Casey, meantime, expressed relief. He said he’d had nightmares that he died and his grandchildren 50 years from now would talk about how Grandpa Don was the only coach in National Basketball Assn. history who never won a game.

Hey, some people’s grandchildren never talk about them at all. Grandpa Don could have been famous. He could have been somebody. He could have been somebody who’d never even been a contender. He could have been a bum. Instead, he goes out and wins, just like the good coaches do. Some guys don’t know know a bad thing when they see it.

Think what tomorrow’s headlines could have been:

February, 1990--Clipper Losing Streak Hits 100

February, 1995--Clippers Lose to Timberwolves; Manning Expected Back Soon

February, 2000--Benjamin Farewell Tour Begins With Loss

February, 2005--Clipper Losing Streak Hits Four Figures

February, 2010--Clippers Fall to NBA Defending Champ San Diego

February, 2525--Twelve-Foot Rookie Leads Clippers to First Win of Millennium

Immortality awaited the Clippers, if only they had seized the moment. Gary Grant could have pretended to trip on a shoelace. Norm Nixon could have shot the ball into the wrong basket. Ken Norman could have tipped in Houston’s last shot. The Clipper season-ticket holders wouldn’t have complained. Neither of them.

Norman said later: “We lost 19 in a row. Maybe now we can win 19 in a row.” Norman will be appearing at the Comedy Store from the 27th through the 29th, then on to Vegas to open for Tony Bennett. The kid’s a riot.

This team has many decisions to make in the months to come. The words “Sports Arena” and “arson” must be carefully considered. (USC will supply several cans of gasoline.) There also is a contract with a sneaker manufacturer worth upward of $50 to each player.

Then there are all those medical examinations and reports that must be studied before the next NBA draft, in order for the Clippers to pick out the most fragile, injury-prone individuals. Tradition demands that they find some kid with knees as solid as taco shells.

Most of all, there is the coaching situation to consider. Should they keep Don Casey? Should they rehire Don Chaney? Does Don Sterling hire nothing but Dons? Are Nelson, Drysdale, Corleone, Johnson or Duck available? Do the Clippers need a good X-and-O man or just anybody who knows how to make an X? And how come the other teams always get the good O’s?

Jim Valvano has been rumored as a coaching possibility. With the Clippers’ luck, Valvano would take over the program and the NBA would put them on probation. Anyhow, it doesn’t matter who coaches these guys. After a few weeks of running the Clippers, we’d boo John Wooden. God couldn’t get these guys to .500.

Oh, well. Kareem’s retiring. Magic’s hurting. Byron’s ailing. If the Lakers lose four or five more players, we could have ourselves a rivalry here.