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The Things Running Through His Mind

--You can mark the decline of America from when men stopped wearing hats.

--Is there any possibility that the Ayatollah Khomeini is really Salman Rushdie’s press agent?

--Only in Washington, D.C., could John Tower and Henry Kissinger be considered ladies’ men.

--Can’t credit card companies get together and decide which copy is the customer’s copy?

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--If you’re going to tithe, do you do it on the net or the gross?

--If you can still get into your wedding dress, you’re amazing. And a liar.

--Is throwing ice down the garbage disposal really good for the blades?

--I could watch James Woods in anything.

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--Most people now driving four-wheel drives had enough trouble with two-wheel drives.

--I don’t see how anyone can stand a cuckoo clock after the first 400-500 cuckoos.

--New houses are now being built with 20x20 bathrooms? I’ve lived in apartments smaller than that.

--Weathermen never look happier than when they are predicting bad weather.

--The trouble with double-breasted jackets is that they look horrible when they’re not buttoned.

--It is absolutely amazing how bad most laundries are. If I wanted to pay $1.50 to have my buttons broken, I could do it myself for a buck.

--There is a special place in hell reserved for cabbies who say: “Mind if I stop for gas?”

--Is it OK if we drop “kinder and gentler” from the vocabulary now? Or would you like another year of it?

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--This is just a guess, but I’m betting that avocado green and harvest gold are never going to come back as appliance colors.

--Few people appreciate how much skill and strategy you need to play croquet.

--I can’t listen to the Beatles’ “Friends and Lovers” without getting choked up.

--What makes me think that “Roseanne” will not be able to stay this funny over the long haul?

--Confidential to “Confused in Cleveland”: No, cuffs are not necessary on your jogging pants as long as you don’t plan to wear them after 5 p.m.

--You can tell a lot about a person by whether he prefers flower or vegetable gardens.

--If you ever wondered what happens when you send a check to the IRS that you forgot to sign, I just found out: They cash it anyway.

--Is it true that if you have pierced ears and don’t wear earrings, the wind whistles through your lobes?

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--Fajitas are the fondue of the ‘90s.


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