Non-Grandparents Irked by Their Offspring Who Remain Childless

When Margy Kleinerman reached the ripe old age of 21, an aunt admonished her to “grab anything” she could get. She was, after all, well on her way to becoming a spinster.

She married at 26--late, by ‘50s standards. Two years later, she and her husband, Joseph Kleinerman, started producing babies.

Today, those babies all have passed their mother’s matrimonial milestone: Mark is 34, Stephanie is 33 and Brady is 27. But times have changed. None of the Kleinermans’ brood feels under pressure to wed, much less propagate--except, that is, for the pressure their parents apply.

“I hint constantly to my three adult children. I save the singles activities from various publications and encourage my children to attend,” Margy Kleinerman, of Brea, wrote in a letter to Single Life. “They reply that they cannot get married just to fulfill my need to become a grandparent.

“Every time I see a baby, I ooh and coo and wish I were able to share in the fun and pleasures of seeing the world as it can only be seen through the eyes of a young child. I would like the joy of buying toys for any and all occasions. I would like to celebrate traditional holidays and teach my grandchildren about their heritage. I would like to do all this before the infirmities of old age catch up with me.”

Joseph and Margy Kleinerman seem like prototypal grandparents--silver-haired, gracious and doting. Their home looks like a place that grandparents would inhabit--spacious, yet cozy, and walls lined with family photos of every generation but the next.

With both amusement and understanding, daughter Stephanie Kleinerman chats unselfconsciously about her parents’ desire that she “settle down.”

“I don’t see many marriages working, anyway,” Stephanie said. “Every time I turn around, another friend is getting a divorce. I’ve quit buying personalized wedding presents.”

Her mother, who is 62, said that “When I tell my children I’d like to see them get married, they throw back at me all the cliches I used on them: ‘You always told us to wait until the right person comes along.’

“I taught them to be cautious, and now I’m afraid that they’re not making any concessions at all.”

Although he lets his wife do most of the complaining, Joseph Kleinerman, 64, said he is as eager as she is to hear once again the patter of little feet.

“I enjoyed my children very much,” he said. “I didn’t even mind getting up in the middle of the night with them. I’d like for them, too, to experience the pleasures of children.”

Both of the Kleinermans enjoy children so much, in fact, that before retiring they were schoolteachers. But their offspring, all sales managers, directed their goals with a different focus.

“I have mixed emotions about children,” Stephanie admitted. “They’re wonderful if returnable. Often I’ll think, ‘Gosh, I’m glad that’s not my kid who just broke that porcelain vase.’ ”

Until--and unless--their children cooperate and provide them with grandbabies, the Kleinermans can only imagine the phase of life that they are missing. “We’d be such good grandparents,” Joseph Kleinerman lamented. “Since we’re retired, we’d have time to baby-sit. We could take the children to Disneyland, to the park. . . . “

If it is any solace to them, the Kleinermans are far from unique in their longer-than-anticipated wait for grandchildren. As millions of baby boom products and their younger siblings delay parenthood for education and careers, they in turn suspend their parents’ grandparenthood.

For many older parents, that suspension will be a permanent one. A 1987 U.S. Census Bureau report on fertility put the proportion of childless Americans aged 30 to 34 at 23.6%, up 8 points from 1976’s figure of 15.6%. In those 11 years, the 35-to-39 age bracket rose from 10.5% to 16.7%. And the slice of childless Americans over 40 increased from 10.2% to 14.2%.

The deferring--or forgoing--of grandparenthood is not always an easy adjustment. “Older people want to see the perpetuation of their family,” said Laguna Hills psychiatrist Irwin Rosenfeld, whose practice centers on geriatrics.

“As you become older, you get a sense of your own mortality; friends are developing health problems and dying,” added Rosenfeld, president of the Orange County Psychiatric Society. “A grandchild is like a rebirth--here is a part of you that will live forever.”

Also, grandchildren offer reassurance to older people that their children will have fulfilled, secure lives. “When children follow the traditional course, it is a source of gratification for their parents,” said Robert Pfeffer, UC Irvine associate professor of neurology, who specializes in problems of the aged. “Throughout recorded history, children growing up and having children of their own has been the ‘normal’ expectation.

“Often, parents of childless adults feel that something in their children’s lives is incomplete--and tend to regard them as children rather than as adults.”

Ask Steven and Elaine Brody about their grandchildren. They’ll give you an earful--because they don’t have any, and they’re mad as heck about it.

“I’m going to win the lottery this weekend, and I’m not going to share it with any of my kids unless they have children,” Steven Brody, 62, proclaimed half-seriously.

The Laguna Hills couple have a married daughter, 40, a married son, 35, and a divorced son, 37. And not a one in the whole bunch seems interested in procreation.

“To me, all five of them--the two in-laws, too--are very immature and selfish,” said Elaine Brody, 60. “They tell us, ‘Why have children? We can pick up and go skiing whenever we want.’ But they’re missing out on a lot. I don’t think you become mature until you have to sacrifice for your children.”

She and her husband so adore little ones that, in the past, when their sons dated divorced women with children, they were enthusiastic baby-sitters. “I talk to kids every chance I get,” said Brody, a retired salesman. “In the doctor’s office, in malls, in parks--I stop and tease them. I love all kids--except for my own (because) they’ve cheated some children out of some good grandparents.”

So, go ahead, ask them about their grandchildren. But whatever you do, don’t tell them about your own. “I don’t want to hear about other people’s grandchildren. I don’t want to see pictures of them,” Elaine Brody said. “Yes, indeed, I’m envious.”

Rest assured that grandparenting is not going out of style. A hefty 90% of older people in the United States with children over the age of 40 are grandparents, although that figure is expected to decline somewhat over the next couple of decades.