If They Take Away Our AK-47s, at Least Let’s Keep Our Grenades

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re walking through the city park when suddenly you spot a bevy of healthy quail strutting between the bushes.

You whip out your grenade . . . and just as you’re clamping your teeth on the pin, you stop--because you realize you’d be breaking the law.

Or you’re walking past the civic center, where thousands of peace terrorists are demonstrating against legitimate defense expenditures. You want to make a powerful statement and a quick getaway with a well-tossed grenade, but the law says you’re a criminal if you carry one, so you left yours at home.

Well, you’re not alone. We of the National Assn. of Grenade Owners are working for the decriminalization and legalization of hand grenades for personal use--hunting, fishing and self-defense.

In conjunction with the AACLU (Americans Against Civil Liberties and Unions), we’ve been advancing our cause through billboards, matchbook covers and intimidation of congressional leaders. (By the way, we’ve recently changed the name of our legislative influence-peddling group from the grenade lobby to the grenade lob. It’s shorter and punchier.)

We feel good about the use of grenades, but because they’re illegal, we God-fearing, law-abiding, patriotic citizens are considered outlaws.

Now the anti-gun nuts want to take away our AK-47 assault rifles, which is blatant discrimination against us sportsmen with bad eyesight. (That’s why I use grenades--I mean, that’s why I would use them if they weren’t against the law.)

So, in order to keep ourselves in the news and keep those checks flowing into headquarters, we’re broadening our cause beyond grenades, to include the right to semi-automatic weapons and to fight these fanatics who want to restrict our rights even further.

It’s not just sportsmen I’m speaking on behalf of. Grenades are quite effective as well for termite work and preparing your vegetable garden. And a lot of us just like to collect them. Just as we like to collect AK-47 rifles. Stamps and coins are for kids.

The National Assn. of Grenade Owners supports the right of free men to bear armaments. We oppose any restriction against AK-47 rifles, and we support the legalization of hand grenades.

We don’t want to break the law. We just want to write it.