It’s Enough to Make You Read a Book

It’s time to relieve the frustration, to release the aggression. It’s time to complain, to revolt, to snarl, to cry foul, to spit out venom. Once again, it’s time for that arena of protest like no other.

The Gripe Line.

Promos for movies or miniseries you are about to see. These are far worse than movie trailers. Designed to draw viewers to the tent, they immediately precede the production and inevitably ruin it for you by telling too much and blowing key scenes.

It’s like hearing the punch line before you’ve heard the joke.

TV’s brutalization of theatrical movies. No, not colorization, but the butchery of movies through thoughtless, almost arbitrary insertion of commercial breaks.

Yes, commercials are necessary. But I’ve seen a commercial break interrupt a sentence. I’ve seen a commercial break interrupt a murder in a thriller. I’ve seen a commercial break interrupt a song in a musical.

What I’ve never seen--and would love to see--is a movie interrupt a commercial break.

Misleading ads for TV programs. For example, the print ads for ABC’s recent “Hallmark Hall of Fame” movie “My Name is Bill W.” featured James Woods alongside James Garner, evoking memories of their brilliant collaboration in the 1986 “Hallmark Hall of Fame” drama, “Promise.”

The only problem was that Woods’ co-star in “My Name is Bill W.” was not Garner but JoBeth Williams, whose name did not even appear in one ad for the movie.

The popular Garner had a key role, but a relatively small supporting one. He was featured in the advertising instead of Williams because he was considered a bigger draw.

Good business, bad ethics.

An actor who passes himself off as an authority on an issue solely by virtue of having played a prominent role in a movie about that issue. Check out talk shows, morning shows and newspaper stories for this one.

The routine goes something like this: Actor X stars in a movie about autism. Now it’s time to promote the movie, and suddenly Actor X is the last word on the subject.

Actually, the fault is less the actor’s than the star-dazzled media’s for lacking the enterprise to find a genuine expert.

A commercial for C&R; Clothiers. You know the one: A guy enters an elevator, turns to the guy on his right and smugly says, “Nice suit. C & R?” Arrrrrgh!

I admit the commercial does sell me. It sells me on the exquisite idea of doing something terrible to the arrogant twit who asked the question in the elevator. Like hitting him in the face with a pie.

Nice goo on your face. Banana cream?

News anchors who repeatedly go through that weary charade of attributing the weather to weathercasters. Did they personally make it rain or something?

Weather radar and all the goofy video paraphernalia that weathercasters use to make their weathercasts absolutely incomprehensible.

Why don’t they admit that these are all gimmicks whose sole purpose is to dazzle, not inform viewers? Yes, nothing is more exciting than a visual of a “low” unwinding.

What I love best, though, are those white blobs that represent cloud covers, as if this were somehow meaningful. Instead, it looks like someone blew his nose on the screen.

Reporters who alter the meaning of quotes through editing. The culprit Monday was KABC-TV Channel 7 sportscaster Jim Hill, in his report on former heavyweight champ George Foreman on the comeback trail.

Interviewed after destroying his latest patsy in Galveston, Tex., Foreman faced the camera and began ranting and raving, claiming that current heavyweight champ Mike Tyson and contender Evander Holyfield were afraid to fight him. Then Foreman quickly turned to the reporter interviewing him and added with a grin: “That was pretty good, wasn’t it?”

KNBC’s Fred Roggin and KCBS-TV’s Keith Olbermann provided the right context by using Foreman’s entire quote. Hill, however, put a different spin on the story by using only the tirade.

Nice suit, though. C & R?