Sounding almost as though it would like...

Sounding almost as though it would like to declare Malibu a Martin Sheen-free zone, the beach town’s Chamber of Commerce said Tuesday that it had reminded the actor that his only duty as honorary mayor was to promote the “Shop Malibu” campaign.

“Malibu is a laughingstock,” confided one business leader, referring to Sheen’s Monday declaration of Malibu as a nuclear-free zone and a sanctuary for aliens and the homeless.

Rush Limbaugh, a New York-based radio talk show host who said he “likes to illustrate absurdity by being absurd,” announced that he would hold a contest to see which of the 125 cities that carry his show could “charter the first bus of indigents and illegal aliens to send to Malibu.”

Sheen, who has participated in anti-nuclear demonstrations and grape boycotts, was reported to be in Canada and could not be reached for comment. Asked if there was talk of impeaching Sheen, who was appointed to the post by the chamber, an official said, “Not at this time.”

So sensitive was the town over Sheen’s role that the chamber corrected an item in this space that said that one of his duties was presiding over the Kiwanis Chili Cook-Off.

“He only appears there,” the official said.

Sixteen months after industrialist Armand Hammer reneged on his promise to donate his $400-million art collection to the County Museum of Art, he was honored by the county Board of Supervisors. Yep, same county.

Addressing the spectators as well as the guards at each door, Supervisor Kenneth Hahn instructed “deputy sheriffs and everyone else to stand up and sing ‘Happy Birthday.’ ” Hammer turns 91 next week.

Absent from the celebration were representatives of the County Museum of Art, which was passed over by Hammer after he learned that the paintings would be displayed in galleries already named for other donors. (Instead, Hammer is building the Armand Hammer Museum of Art and Cultural Center in Westwood.)

Hahn, citing Hammer’s efforts to establish peace between the United States and Soviet Union and his search for a cancer cure, said:

“If we could think about one citizen we would want to honor, it would be Armand Hammer.”

The admiration is mutual. Hammer is chairman of the board of Occidental Petroleum, which has contributed $7,650 to Hahn since 1984, as well as $11,650 to Supervisor Mike Antonovich, $7,000 to Supervisor Deane Dana and $3,500 to Supervisor Ed Edelman.

Heavyweight champ Mike Tyson, whose latest alleged scrap was with a Hollywood parking lot attendant, has won a decision from the Los Angeles city attorney’s office. No misdemeanor battery charges will be filed against Tyson.

Attendant Michael Devine had claimed that Tyson slapped him three times in the stomach after Devine bravely tried to keep the champ from parking in a reserved spot at a rock club.

Assistant City Atty. Tim Hogan pointed out that there were no witnesses and that Devine showed no apparent injuries.

Good dog!

At 20 pounds, she doesn’t look too formidable. But a white Spitz named Shasta was able to throw her body against her master’s door with enough force earlier this year to wake up 75-year-old Luella Ball of Altadena and alert her that her living room was ablaze. The house burned down, but Luella and Shasta escaped.

For such heroics, Shata was given the seventh annual Hero Dog Bruce Farrell Award by the Los Angeles Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

So varied are romantic desires in Southern California that the newspaper L.A. Weekly thoughtfully categorizes its personal ads.

The scoreboard in the current issue:

“Men Seeking Women”--73.

“Women Seeking Men”--12.

“Men Seeking Men”--23.

“Women Seeking Women”--9.

“Either”--1.

The last ad, by the way, was placed by a female “singer-songwriter” who described herself as “progressive” and “intense.”