Sea of Trouble Washes Up at Beach Rental

W elcome to our home. We hope you enjoy your stay here at SeaWhine as much as we enjoy it when we aren’t renting it out to make money. We have done our best to see that everything is in order, but as you sign this guest book, please let us know if there is anything we can do to improve it. We ask that you treat the house as your own and leave it as you found it. If you need anything, we can be reached at the Motel 6 in town. Have a nice stay.

--Fred and Ethel Schwartz

Dec. 18, 1988

The ocean was beautiful even though the weather was terrible and we were stuck in the house for the entire weekend. We did enjoy the hot tub. Whoops! Sorry about your cat. One thing bothered us. You said that there was a place for a romantic fire. Not much romance with a wood stove.

--Dale and Luke Underwood

Jan. 21, 1989

What a perfect weekend. The surf could have performed a little better, but you can’t have everything. We found the wood stove extremely romantic. Amory finds energy efficiency an incredible turn-on.

--L. Hunter Lovins

Feb. 4, 1989

Bob and I and our kids, Zachary, 11, Sandra Dee, 8, and Jedidiah, 3, had a wonderful time. Bob liked the sandpipers and the tide pools. I especially loved the perfect sunsets from the deck. Zach liked everything and said the VCR and the Nintendo were especially “rad,” whatever that means. Sandi loved the Power Vac and the Microwave. Jedi liked the doorbell. We did our best to get the stains out of the rug and the carpet. We do expect the cleaning deposit back because what kind of people would do a family home in white and mauve?

--Caryn Carmichael

Feb. 14, 1989

Dear “Mom and Dad,”

Thank you for this wonderful honeymoon. Between the fire and the tub and the beach, we hardly had a moment for romance. (Just joshing!) Those people who ruined the rug and the couch ought to be sued. They also left burnt caramel corn in the microwave. Weirdest thing, though, was the sock in the freezer. Scottie’s trying out that wonderful chain saw you gave him for our wedding present. He’s completely cleared that overgrown row of old redwood trees in the back, and we now get a much better view of the neighbors.

--Love, Mrs. Scott Ryan Schwartz

April 2, 1989

Your lovely property has restored my health. A few thoughts: The hot tub should be moved outside, the wood stove is corny, patio furniture would help, plant a few trees out back, your art is incredibly boring, and a red couch belongs in a brothel.

--Maurice Canard

May 21, 1989

I’ve been reading over the things the other guests wrote in this book. Bunch of rotten dudes, man. We liked everything exactly like it is. The hot tub was totally icy, the beach was awesome, and the fire was really hot. Only problem was your neighbors didn’t like us watching them through the telescope. They came over to complain, and we got in a little fracas. I think the deposit will cover the windows and the dishware, but the blood wouldn’t come off the walls. Lucky you got that couch. For sure. One of the guys in the band drew a pentacle on the ceiling, and we thought it looked cool so we left it.

--The Satanic Nerds