Drug Abuse Drives Parents to Take Drastic Step

Going to court to get his 26-year-old son thrown out of his home was oneof the most painful he has ever done, a San Diego man says.

Unable to persuade his son to quit using the drugs that fuel his erratic and threatening behavior, the man believed his options were exhausted.

The father of three, a 64-year-old retiree who asked that his name not be used, said he applied for the restraining order last month only after years of giving his son “another chance” to get off drugs and find permanent work and after months of enduring threats of physical harm.

In May, a deputy marshal served the son with temporary “kick out” and “stay away” orders, which were extended for three years by Superior Court Judge William Howatt Jr. of San Diego’s domestic court, situated downtown.

The son failed to appear for the hearing, forfeiting his right to contest his father’s assertions of drug abuse and threats of physical harm.

The father, who now lives alone in his home near San Diego Jack Murphy Stadium, explained in an interview that, “when my son and I would get in an argument, he would break things--put his fist through the door. I love him, but the pressure was building up too much, and I had to do it.”

His story is typical of a growing number of such parent versus child cases that are being filed at San Diego’s Family Counseling-Conciliation Court.

Although the skyrocketing incidence of child abuse has garnered much of the public’s attention lately, a significant number of parents are also suffering abuse--at the hands of their own teen-age or adult children.

Parents of children under 18 must file a complaint with juvenile authorities, who have noted an increase in parent versus child cases in the last two years.

With drug abuse being the culprit in more than 90% of the cases, the number of parents applying for restraining orders to remove adult children from their homes has increased from an average of two a day in 1987 to five a day this year, court clerks say.

“It’s just (increased) so fast there hasn’t been a bureaucracy set up to handle something like this,” said Charmaine Ames, assistant division chief of the Family Law and Probate Division.

Applications for restraining orders filed at domestic court in San Diego in past weeks abound in accounts of children who are threatening their parents or stealing household items to support their drug habits.

Referring to her son, a Clairemont mother wrote: “The defendant abuses drugs and, when he cannot get them, he gets violent, breaking things, calling me names. He has threatened me.”

A South San Diego mother who is seeking an order to remove her 22-year-old son from her house contended that her son “was caught, along with another friend of his, both on drugs, stealing my things out of my house to support his drug habit. He cannot keep jobs because of his drug use. I have exhausted every measure in trying to help him, including going to counseling.”

On the same day, a Southeast San Diego mother stated that her son “carries a butcher knife and keeps it around his person at all times while he is in the home. He uses drugs regularly. I am afraid that he will one day use the knife against me.”

Federico Castro, one of four Superior Court judges who hear domestic violence cases in San Diego, says he can’t remember the last time he heard such a case that didn’t involve drugs.

“These are very, very sad cases to deal with,” Castro lamented. “We have parents, who usually attribute their child’s behavior to drugs, trying to help kids that by and large don’t want (to be helped).

The children “will sometimes admit they occasionally use drugs, but won’t admit they have a problem,” he said. “The parents don’t hide it: They just tell me the kid has been stealing items from the house to sell for the purpose of purchasing drugs.

‘Very Emotional’

“Most of the time the parents are very emotional, as if it were a last-ditch effort to resolve the child. I get a strong sense that the parents feel they have failed their child. They usually aren’t vindictive.”

The court does not keep track of how many of its domestic violence restraining order applicants are parents who want their children ousted. But Ames and others in the clerk’s office estimate they amount to about 20% of all applicants.

Adult Protective Services, a county support service for adults who suffer from mental or physical disability, has reported 465 calls of abuse this year involving elderly or dependent adults. Of those calls, 145, or more than a third, involved parents who were abused by one of their own children.

APS Supervisor Lorraine Newbrough said she has noticed an increase in the last several years of cases that involve the abuse of a parent by a child who uses drugs. Although social service agencies today are zeroing in on protecting children from drug-addicted parents, Newbrough fears that efforts to assist parents who are abused by an adult child are lagging.

“It’s going to take longer for us to let adults know that, like children, they don’t need to be abused,” she said. “The adults are handicapped by their freedom and civil rights--adults sometimes choose to be abused.

“Until we can help people realize that abuse is not OK, we’re not going to be able to help (adults) like we help children,” Newbrough said. “APS workers have a difficult time in that they have to accept that some people choose to remain in an abusive situation.”

Permission Required

Although the county’s Child Protective Services workers have the right to remove abused children from houses without consent of child or adult, APS workers must have permission from abused adults before they can remove them from a threatening environment.

Nellie Fuentecilla, who has worked in the domestic court clerk’s office three years, has seen the sometimes gruesome aftermath of hundreds of parent-child disputes.

“I have seen parents come in here so messed up,” she said. “I have seen a parent with a face like a piece of meat. Her own son did it. He wanted money for drugs.” The mother had given him $150 one day, and he wanted $200 more the next, she said.

“She was financially deprived. He dragged her face on the cement. I will never forget the sight of her. . . . I still have nightmares about that.”

Fuentecilla said it was the second time the woman had applied for a temporary restraining order against her son.

Most parents come to the clerk’s office to apply for a restraining order because they fear physical harm is imminent.

Domestic violence restraining orders are filed at the county clerk’s office next door to the domestic courthouse at 1551 6th Ave. A clerk can issue a temporary restraining order if the request forms are filled out correctly and if certain criteria--including that the victim has been abused within the last 15 days--are met. The order is valid until a hearing before a judge is held, from 5 to 10 days later.

An order of up to three years can be issued by a judge.

The county’s Adult Protective Services offers a toll-free hot line ((476-6266 in the Chula Vista area and 1-800-523-6444 elsewhere) to report abuse of adults who are physically or mentally disabled.