Dancer Finds Ideal Role to Exorcise Cocaine Demon

Art imitates life, but sometimes the opposite is true.

Such was the case for Tony Caligagan, a 27-year-old San Diego dancer who left the nest in 1985 for a shot at big-time dance in New York.

Caligagan immediately caught the eye of modern-dance legend Alvin Ailey. And, before he had time to acclimate himself to New York, he was learning from the master himself and performing as a scholarship student with Alvin Ailey III (a junior offshoot of the world-class troupe).

Thus began a whirlwind career that catapulted the charismatic dancer from the concert stage to a leading role in the original cast of “Lost Luggage,” a musical that has taken several European countries by storm since its 1987 debut.

“It’s ironic that my role in the show relates to what happened in my life,” Caligagan said by phone from New York. “My character is a crack dealer, and I was a cocaine addict until last August.

“ ‘Lost Luggage’ is a show about a crack addict, his wife and a dealer. They tell a story about life in New York City and how drugs can kill. Playing the part helps me to exorcise that demon constantly, and it allows me to be a part of something that has a tremendous value in the world today.”

Caligagan’s talent extends beyond the dance and theater world, but he shrugs off his gift for photography as “just a hobby,” even though a striking photograph he took to publicize the show “appeared in posters all over the New York subways,” he said.

How did a young man with all this talent and opportunity get caught up in the drug scene? Caligagan is still searching for answers.

“I don’t know. I had a good upbringing and wasn’t abused as a child. I had been an occasional user for about five years, buying it about twice a month. I would go on binges during cast parties and on special occasions.

“But what I didn’t realize, was that I was sabotaging myself from the success I wanted so desperately,” Caligagan said. “I was afraid of success and afraid of failure, and coke was anesthetizing me from the deep-seated pain and fear.”

Caligagan was close to his goal of becoming a full-fledged Ailey dancer, but the “demon” took over and poisoned his dream.

“I had really set out to become a member of the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater and was very near acceptance into the company,” he recalled. “I had to face the dilemma of signing a contract to work for my best friends (Michael Kessler and Melinda Jackson) in another tour with ‘Lost Luggage,’ or wait to see if Alvin would take me.”

Instead, he recalled, “After a big falling out with my best friends and employers, I found myself without a job, forced to leave my apartment. I felt lost. I would think about cocaine day and night, obsessed with it in every way possible.

“I finally confessed to Michael and Melinda that I was using cocaine, but I didn’t realize until after they questioned me about my usage how far gone I was,” Caligagan said. “They insisted that I attend Cocaine Anonymous meetings the very next day. By then, I weighed less than I have ever weighed as an adult. My thinking was clouded, and my speech impeded.”

Even after hitting bottom, however, Caligagan was not free of his addiction.

“I continued to use coke for another week--even while attending meetings,” he said. “I finally got up one night, said a prayer, and flushed what I had (about $1,000 worth) down the toilet. On the same night, I found myself calling my supplier, bought more drugs on credit and snorted about 2 grams of pure cocaine--twice the dose it would take to kill the average person. “Because I had built up such an addiction, I managed by the grace of God not to die,” he said. “Now, it’s time to clean up my life and do what I came here for--dance.”

Unfortunately, Caligagan’s story is not unique.

“Even people in major dance companies are using drugs. Dancers are considered more fit than Olympic athletes,” he noted, “and they shouldn’t do that to their bodies. There’s a considerable amount of pain involved in dancing, and they have two choices. They can stay very healthy, or they can take the easy way out and take pills and drugs.”

Caligagan has seen what choosing the latter can do. Now, he wants to educate people about the dangers.

“There has to be more public support and more retribution for people doing it,” he said. “It’s not cool any more.”

With a new determination to succeed, Caligagan signed on for another major tour with “Lost Luggage.” He credits Kessler and Jackson for “taking the gamble with me.” The first stop is a four-to-six-week stint in Germany, and then there are plans for the show to go globe-hopping, or at least throughout Europe.

“We’re getting ready to return to Europe in July, and if Columbia Artists decides to do the booking, we’ll be doing a U. S. tour after that. With the right publicity and booking agent, we should make it to Broadway,” he said, with renewed confidence. “The show touches people, and we get standing ovations everywhere.

“The feeling of disgust and shame are still hard to deal with,” he said, “but with therapy, I have come a long way. I hope anyone reading this would take heed. The main message is, to be successful don’t take drugs.”