‘R’ We Ready for Bail Bonds ‘R’ Us?

Business is business. An industry, a commercial establishment, a store, is not an object of levity, except, perhaps, to its competitors.

There is a playfulness in Americans, however, that causes them to give cute or funny names to their enterprises, sometimes to their detriment.

Naturally, giant corporations do not fool around with their names. American Telephone & Telegraph does not call itself Phones “R” Us (turn that R around; our computer can’t do it). However, ever since the advent of Toys “R” Us, “R” Us outlets have been turning up all over the landscape. I wouldn’t be surprised some day to see a Bail Bonds “R” Us.

For several years Helen W. Rogaway and her husband have been collecting cute business names on their travels. What got them started was a fishing bait shop near Yosemite called The Happy Hooker.

I grant that a passing motorist might be inclined to look twice at an establishment called The Happy Hooker. But many of those collected by the Rogaways would be just as likely, it seems to me, to turn one away in despair.

For instance, liking old-fashioned barber shops, I doubt that I would be attracted to one named Shear Genius, like the one the Rogaways found in Moultrie, Ga. Shear Genius, though, is not quite as unnerving as one in Neptune Beach, Fla., called Clip Joint.

I doubt very much that I would pull into a gas and food stop called Tank ‘n’ Tummy, which also is said to exist in Moultrie. In fact, Moultrie had a plague of cute business names. They also found a fast food joint called the Zippy Store, a plant store called Leaf Makers, and a little girl’s clothing shop called Sassy Stitches.

In St. Augustine, Fla., they found a record and tape store called Sounds Nice, and in Jacksonville a telephone company called Southern Bell. I’m inclined to think that the management of Southern Bell didn’t get the pun. As I say, big corporations don’t go in for cute.

Florida seems especially vulnerable to the cute craze. In Cocoa Beach a store for workout clothing is called Sweat Shop; in St. Augustine an antique shop is called Encore, a souvenir shop is called Sumthin Else and an ice cream parlor is called Do Me a Flavor.

Charleston, S.C., would also be a good place to bypass if cute makes you ill. There you’ll find Hokus Pokus Party Factory; the Juke Box, a fast-food joint with a ‘50s atmosphere, and the Boogie Woogie Bagel Boy coffee shop.

Litchtfield, S.C., offers The Filling Station (all you can eat), St. Nick Nacks (Christmas things), and the Mole Hole, a tavern.

In Swansboro, N.C., a beer and hot dog stand is called Dog ‘N’ Suds; a hair styling place in Monroe, Pa., is called Head Shed; and a laundromat in Pittsburgh is called Soapopera.

A restaurant in Des Moines is called Who’s On Third, an art gallery is called Artrageous, and a nightclub is called Beverly Hills Nightclub: not cute, but presumptuous.

In Denver a glass repair shop is called Touch of Glass, an animal hospital is called All Creatures, a knit garment shop is called Better Sweater, one card shop is called Card Blanche and another Avant Card. An American-Greek restaurant is called It’s Greek to Me.

But the Rogaways needn’t have left Los Angeles to compile their list. Bakeries are especially given to cute. We have the Rollin’ Pin Bake Shop, Cake and Art, the Cakeworks, and Goldilocks Bakers.

Child-care centers tend to avoid frivolous names, but we have the Happy Day Child Care and Development Center, the Happy Times Day Nursery School and the Heavenly Vision Educational Center. Alcoholic rehabilitation centers also shun cute, but we have one called After Work, one called Starting Point and one called New Beginnings.

One balloon store calls itself the Balloon Explosion, another Balloons Away, and another Balloon Lagoon.

Children’s shops inevitably run cute. One is called Doremi, another the Jump for Joi Children’s Boutique, another Les Kids. We also have the Little Rascals Boutique, Nouvelle Kids, Po Po Po, the Stork Shop, Small World, Tiny Mite Premie Fashions, and Tots Town.

Not surprisingly, I know of no cute dental businesses and no cute funeral parlors, and there are no Bail Bonds “R” Us.