Harry, Sally Know It--That at Best, Love Is Often Random, Unexpected

Can a man and a woman be best friends--platonically? If so, can that once passionless friendship develop into romance? Does sex ruin friendship? Does marriage ruin sex? Unless you devote every single (as in “unwed”) moment to finding a mate, might you end up spending the rest of your life knowing that your spouse is married to another person?

Such are the questions posed by director Rob Reiner’s new film, “When Harry Met Sally . . . .” And, judging by audience reaction, they are recognizable musings. After waiting in long lines, viewers laugh and applaud throughout the movie--cheering as well as grimacing over the familiar chords that it strikes.

Why, by all appearances, do so many people embrace this latest tale of modern romance? “Since time began, we were made to find the right person,” said Tustin psychologist Amy Stark. “There is a lot of pain involved in that process, so it is something everyone can relate to: not having a date on New Year’s Eve, longing for a past relationship, having your feelings hurt by a lover. The movie captured all of that.”

A sampling of singles who saw “When Harry Met Sally . . .” last weekend in Newport Beach offered various theories about its appeal.

Back to the underlying question: Can men and women be friends without--as Billy Crystal’s character, Harry, referred to it--”the sex thing” interfering? Most of the singles said, “maybe.”

However, 39-year-old Bob Clark pointed out, girls and boys are conditioned as early as junior high “to view each other sexually.”

“When you are a teen-ager, you are under a lot of pressure to date rather than spend time in groups of mixed company, where you can learn to be comfortable with the opposite sex,” said the Laguna Beach carpenter. “In high school, dating is a matter of conquest, rather than of getting to know and appreciate the opposite sex. That carries into adulthood, and sometimes people don’t have an understanding of how the opposite sex thinks until they’re already married.”

“It’s tough for men and women to be friends,” said Corona del Mar resident Ticole Richards, 19, a sports equipment buyer. “A male friend and I became so close that it seemed like the natural next step in our relationship was intimacy. We tried it, and it didn’t work. There was some awkwardness for a while afterward.

“We’re still good friends, but our friendship changed a little. But I still feel that I can talk with him about boyfriends and whatever. It’s really helpful to get a man’s point of view, instead of always getting a female perspective.”

Ideally, Richards added, friendship would be the best way to begin a romance. “If it did work out, you would have the perfect relationship,” she said. “You would understand the other person in a different way.

“At the end of the movie, they love each other’s faults as well as their good characteristics. When people date, they get an idealized image of the other person. But sooner or later, real life sets in, and they find out each other’s idiosyncrasies, which we all have. I think that’s what pulls people apart.”

Mark Sucher, 31, a film director in Mission Viejo, believes that men and women can foster close friendships. But, he said, “I think if people have been friends for a long time it would be hard to make the transition to a sexual relationship. You’d be taking the risk that you might ruin the friendship. It would be a lot harder to end a relationship that started out as a friendship because you have so much invested in it.”

Overall, the movie-goers agreed, the film made a positive statement about marriage. “Everyone in the movie sought to be married,” observed Yorba Linda resident Carolyn Phillips, 47, a divorced mother of two. “Remember the scene where Carrie Fisher (Maria) turns to her boyfriend (Jess, portrayed by Bruno Kirby) and says, ‘Tell me I’ll never have to be out there (in the dating world) again’?

“ ‘Out there’ says it all. ‘Out there’ is having to be strong by yourself; ‘in there’ is having someone be strong with you. ‘Out there’ is a lonely place to be.”

In the film, Sally expressed her and her ex-boyfriend’s fear that marriage and children would hinder their romance. Footloose and fancy-free, she said, the couple could fly off to Rome on the spur of the moment. Then one day Sally realized that they had never flown off to Rome impulsively, and decided that she would trade her freedom for the responsibilities--and joys--of a family.

Phillips, a marketing consultant, reflected on that scene: “When you have children, you aren’t missing anything--you’re giving. If you want to acquire children the way you would acquire a BMW, they’ll get in your way. Certainly my priorities changed when I had children, but my kids were the best thing that ever happened in my life.”

Also a divorced parent of two children, Bob Clark said that children and marriage do indeed transform a relationship. “Marriage takes away some of the mystique of dating,” he said. “You can fall into routines and bad habits.

“Kids keep you busy right up until bedtime. You’re tired from work, so, sure, children have an effect on your sex life. Couples have to plan special times to be together.”

Even with its shortcomings, Clark said, he plans to try marriage again--with his live-in girlfriend. “Just living together indefinitely, like Meg Ryan and her ex-boyfriend did (in the movie), is not a lofty goal,” he said. “If you can instead make a commitment to shoot for 50 years together, it gives you much more permanence in your life.”

Will the fact that Harry and Sally exchanged vows after a close friendship make their marriage last?

“Probably not,” said Martin Sanchez, 41, a manufacturer’s representative in Mission Viejo. “They were both unconventional people, so why would they have a traditional marriage?”

“Given the two personalities, it’s always going to be a stormy relationship,” Clark said. “But they’d done their best to explore each other’s personalities, both the good and the bad traits, so I feel they have a good chance of staying together for a while.”

That Harry and Sally recognized one another’s quirks--and fell in love anyway--made an impression on Phillips. “In romantic relationships, we are very afraid that if someone knows us well, they will leave us,” she said. “So we try to stay on the surface. Especially here in Southern California, appearances and material possessions are important. But that’s not where love is.”

Brief conversations with longtime married couples are interspersed throughout the film, with each pair reminiscing about how they met. Therapist Stark saw the device more as a salute to the randomness of love than to marriage itself.

“Before she met her boyfriend, Carrie Fisher (Maria) had a desperate quality to her that made her unappealing,” Stark said. “She had the Rolodex full of men’s names; she was always trying to make something happen rather than just let it happen. I see so many people like that, approaching love like they would a business deal. But the moment Maria relaxed a little, the moment she wasn’t looking, she met someone.

“The statement I think the movie makes is that relationships are random. You can try and try and try to meet the right person, and then the one time you’re not trying, there they are.”