Go Ahead Pete, Try Hard Sell

Go ahead, Pete. What do you have to show our viewers next?”

“OK. Item No. R2D2V05--This is a pair of sanitary socks I wore when I got the hit that tied Ty Cobb. They’re red. They’ve been washed, I think with Tide, but maybe with Wisk, I don’t recall. Anyhow, they stretch real nice--see? And, I’ve autographed them, right on the stirrup that went around my foot. These socks mean a lot to me, and we’re starting the bidding at $250.”

“Very nice. Very nice.”

“You bet! OK, item No. R2D2MTV--Just look at this beautiful doughnut ring. That’s the doughnut ring I used in the on-deck circle before I stepped into the batter’s box and got the hit that tied Ty Cobb. Look at that thing. That’s solid iron there. As you can see, it’s a perfectly round ring, and slides right over any standard bat. And, I’ve etched my autograph right into the ring, with an awl. We’re asking 75 bucks to start.”

“Neat, Pete.”

“You bet! OK, item No. R2D2ERA--Hey, I remember these babies. These are the bubble-gum wads from the first pack of trading cards my rookie year. I saved them because, oh, you know, I thought they might be valuable someday. Uh, that is, I mean, I felt real sentimental about them. Boy, this is damn good gum, too. Look at that--26 years old and hardly stale at all. And, I’ve autographed the gum with edible ink. Fifty-five dollars for all you can chew.”

“OK, our phone lines are open. Got any more, Pete?”

“You bet! OK, item No. R2D2IOU--Uh, this bar of soap was actually used by Tony Perez and me in the shower on the day I got the hit that tied Ty Cobb. It’s pink, it’s in very good shape, it’s either Zest or Dove, I forget, because you know how the name of the soap washes off after you use it a couple of times, but anyhow, this is the actual soap Tony let me borrow after I tied the record. And, it’s autographed by both me and him. Just 90 smackers and it can be yours.”

“Remember, you’ll never find these items in stores. Right, Pete?”

“You bet! OK, item No. R2D2IRS--Now this, this is a collector’s item. You see this bat? Real beauty, ain’t it? Yes, sir. Now, you see this crack in the bat? This is the bat I used to hit a single off of the great Joaquin Andujar, right smack in the middle of my bid to tie Ty Cobb. There’s no other bat like it in the world. Remember, there’s not even 5,000 bats in the world that I got hits with. I hate to part with this thing, but, well, $2,000 buys me another hour with my lawyer.”

“That’s the way to keep the old sense of humor, Pete.”

“You bet! OK, item No. R2D2TBS--An autographed carton from a Hungry Man frozen dinner that I actually kept in my freezer the night I tied Ty Cobb! Eighty-five dollars!”

“Great, Pete, but . . . “

“You bet! Item No. R2D2OWE--These are the numbers from my first uniform! See? 14! I peeled them right off the shirt! I’d need at least a C-note for these!”

“That’s fine, Pete, but. . . . “

“You bet! Item No. R2D2NBC--These are Giammati’s cuff links! Yeah! I swiped ‘em when he wasn’t looking! He was wearing these the day I got suspended! Yeah! Five bills for these!”

“Pete, wait. . . . “

“You bet! Item No. R2D2RBI--Commemorative ashtrays! Commemorative ashtrays from the night I got the hit that put me past Ty Cobb! See? Little hand-painted cartoon of me rounding first base! That’s Eric Show on the mound, looking real mad at himself! I only got 4,192 of these! Hundred bucks each!”

“Pete, we need to pause a moment for. . . . “

“You bet! Item No. R2D2MUT--Schottzie’s pups! Schottzie’s pups! These are right from Marge’s dog! Six little St. Bernards! Born right in the Reds’ clubhouse! I autographed all of ‘em! Hundred bucks each!”

“Pete, for Pete’s sake. . . . “

“You bet! Item No. R2D2MVP--Locks of my hair! Look! Big clumps! The strands from the spikey part go for $200 each! The strands from closer to the scalp, I’ll go hundred and a quarter! I’m enclosing this certificate from my barber, verifying this to be my actual hair!”

“Security!”

“You bet! Item No. R2D2DET--Ty Cobb’s ashes! Just look at this handsome urn! This thing’s older than Cobb was, man. And inside, the remains of the second-greatest hitter who ever lived! Special value, today only, $4,200!”

“Go to commercial!”

“You bet! Item No. R2D2SAD--Look, what about this shirt I got on? Anybody out there admire this shirt! It’s one of my official shirts, from my official wardrobe! Hardly ever been worn! Here, let me take it off, show you the label!”

“Pete, stop!”

“Item No. R2D2BVD--These shorts. . . . “

“Sir, you’ll have to come along quietly now. . . . “

“Wait! I ain’t done nothing wrong! Hold on! Ow! Lemme go! Hey, these handcuffs are nice! Make a nice souvenir! How much you want for these? Ow! Take it easy, man! I ain’t done nothing wrong!”