Cassettes Help Men Relate to, Date Women

John Hamilton, 36, felt successful in every aspect of his life, except when it came to women.

“Standing next to a woman I wanted to talk with, I’d freeze. And the more interesting she was to me, the more intimidated I felt. Even when I did get up the nerve to talk with her, I’d say all the wrong things.”

The divorced San Clemente investment counselor said he learned to overcome his timidity around women through “Dating Dynamics,” a 2 1/2-hour audio-cassette course created for single men by Mike Berenson of Costa Mesa.

Berenson, who is 45 and divorced, said he developed the program nearly a dozen years ago as a result of his own unhappy experiences attempting to date and relate to women.

During free seminars that introduce the material--which includes an accompanying workbook--interested parties can purchase the beginning course on how to meet women and ask them out or the advanced course on how to keep women interested and nurture relationships. Each sells for $29.95.

“I once watched while a total stranger practically picked up my girlfriend right in front of me,” said Berenson. That humiliating event convinced him that he needed to handle himself with more finesse around members of the opposite sex.

An avid fan of self-help books and motivational tapes, he decided to apply those principles to dating.

According to Berenson, most women would be surprised to learn how many otherwise confident, capable men are afraid to approach them or feel unskilled when dating.

“Women--even in the ‘80s--believe the macho myth that real men are always in control, but even the most masculine guy can be a jellyfish when it comes to risking rejection from a woman,” he said.

Hamilton said the course “taught me that when I see someone I want to get to know, I have to create an opportunity to be with her long enough to get her number or ask for a date. Whatever I say, it must be appropriate to the situation and perceived as safe and non-threatening.”

Berenson explained: “You’re standing in line at the bank, next to an attractive lady. You want to start a conversation. Say something neutral, like, ‘Ever notice they always open all the teller windows five minutes before closing time? I guess they want to get out of here, too.’ ” And the wrong approach? “Wow! Where did you get those great legs!”

“A guy may mean well, but even a tasteful compliment can come off as phony or insincere when she doesn’t know him,” Berenson said.

Whatever a man says when opening a conversation with a woman, it should be something he could say to another man. “Never get into provocative or probing questions during a first encounter,” he warned.

Although talking about non-personal topics--the weather, her car, travel--are good openers, he said they usually won’t enable a man to get close enough to ask for a phone number or a date.

“Women are frequently puzzled when he doesn’t ask for her phone number, particularly when he’s taken the initiative to speak to her. Usually it’s because he doesn’t feel sufficiently acquainted to feel entitled to ask her.”

He suggests a good way to get around that obstacle is to find out more about her first.

“Once you’ve started a conversation, you can guide it into other safe areas until you feel comfortable enough to ask if you may call her. For example, talking about a recent scuba-diving adventure in Mexico can lead to finding out if she has ever tried diving--or what other things she enjoys.”

But what if he learns she’s married, or has a boyfriend?

“He can end the conversation with his dignity intact and without feeling embarrassed by saying, ‘Well, he’s certainly lucky to have you.’ If she’s got a boyfriend, well, relationships break up all the time. Tell her you enjoyed the conversation, hand her your card (which Berenson suggests men always carry in their shirt pocket) and tell her if things change or she just wants to talk, to call you. Both people walk away feeling good about themselves and each other. It’s a ‘win-win’ situation.”

Dan Kowal, 28, a postal employee from Buena Park, said Berenson’s course boosted his confidence and gave him courage to take risks.

“I’m the type that never approached women because I respect people’s privacy, and I figured I’d be bothering them if I started talking to them. I learned how to position myself so that I would feel at ease when approaching (a woman), instead of feeling like I was coming out of left field.”

He says that a few months ago, while in a grocery store, he spied a pretty girl reaching for an item on the top shelf. “I reached over and got it for her. That led to a conversation and then dinner.”

Apparently, it worked for Kowal because he reports he recently became engaged to his supermarket sweetheart.

Although Berenson has tailored his courses for men, he is preparing a similar course for women.

“Women complain that men don’t approach them. I believe that most men are looking for any excuse to talk to you. And have you ever noticed that men always seem to talk to you when you are wearing no makeup and sweats? It’s because you’re more approachable, less focused on yourself. A girl who’s dressed to kill will often be passed over because she’s perceived as too intimidating--almost like she expects attention. Often that scares men off.”

Berenson believes that men sometimes need a reason to be friendly.

Bob Miller, 50, an Anaheim pharmaceutical salesman who took Berenson’s course, says he now believes that life is a lot like sales.

“You are presenting yourself to the world. There’s ‘prospecting’ (looking), ‘qualifying’ (Is she single? Does she smoke?) and ‘closing’ (asking for her number or for a date).”

And according to Berenson, follow-through is the name of the game. “For every four or five girls you call, you may get one date. If you’re really interested in her, don’t wait more than two days to call. The more time goes by, the less chance you have. She’ll start to forget about you, and you’ll start to lose your nerve.”