It’s the kind of off-screen situation you...

It’s the kind of off-screen situation you might expect in Hollywood:

A performer has the female lead in a television series although he is actually a male. And he virtually refuses to perform on camera or cooperate at publicity sessions unless his young mistress is sitting nearby.

His agent even brought along the mistress to the Headliners Awards banquet staged over the weekend by the Los Angeles Press Club at the Biltmore Hotel. She sat at a separate table while the actor received an award.

“He loses interest in things if he doesn’t see her sitting there,” explained one of the people in his entourage.

The mistress goes by the flashy name of Falcon.

The actor, we’re sorry to say, boys and girls, is . . . Lassie.

Barbara Adams writes, “While I was moving at a snail’s pace from Mandeville Canyon due to the slide on Pacific Coast Highway, I was following a Mercedes with a license plate that read:

“‘PCH CLSD.”’

Incidentally, if you’re a member of the These-Things-Happen-in-Threes cult, you no doubt took comfort from the fact that, following the landslide that shut down PCH and the shipwreck that closed Culver Boulevard, a small plane landed on the Golden State Freeway Sunday.

Customers with coupons for one Long Beach car wash should read the small print, especially if the grime on their car could be carbon-dated.

Now that East Germany’s leaders have stopped using the Berlin Wall as a restraining device, an Encino capitalist wants to buy it. But it may not be for sale.

“I phoned the embassy today (Monday) and they said they’d probably want to keep it,” said Barry Stuppler, a rare coin dealer who has offered to give East Germany $50 million for the 28-mile-long concrete wall.

“They pointed out that the Chinese have used their wall for a tourist attraction and said they (East Germany) might do the same.”

Stuppler’s plan is to open a factory in East Germany that would break the wall into several million 3-inch pieces that would be sealed in plastic and sold--accompanied by certificates of authenticity--for up to $100 each.

“We would hire East Berliners to produce them, and they would find out what entrepreneurship is all about,” Stuppler said.

He said the merchandising idea occurred to him after he saw TV pictures of joyful West Berliners chipping away at the wall with hammers after East Germany announced an end to travel restrictions for its citizens.

Stuppler said that since making his offer, he has heard from several people who would like to invest in his scheme as well as people who have tried to interest him in others.

For example, he said, “One had an idea for a scented ball for garbage disposals.”

The telephone system at Banning High in Wilmington is in danger of flunking out.

Faculty members recently received this bulletin:

“Due to the phone problems if you get any calls, remember to get the person’s name and phone number right away before you get cut off!!!”