Chase the Holiday Blues by Reaching Out
“I just can’t get into the Christmas spirit this year,” says Cynthia Nagatani, 29, a divorced mother who lives in Fullerton. “My two boys are going skiing with their dad in Utah, my folks live in Wyoming, so there doesn’t seem to be much point in celebrating Christmas this year.”
Like Cynthia, many single men and women dread the holiday season. Streets are festively decorated, department stores are filled with the sights and sounds of Christmas, and radio, television and the print media bombard them with family images of love, home and hearth. Christmas and Hanukkah remind singles of idealized family ties.
Single parents who are unable to be with their children during the holidays--or unattached singles who are separated from family and loved ones--can feel significantly alone this time of year.
How can the single person make the most out of the holidays, maximizing the joy and minimizing the pain?
Jack W. Tallman, executive director of Town & Country Counseling Services, believes that the answer is reaching out to people, which he says is especially difficult for singles who have been burned in relationships and are feeling the pain of abandonment or the fear of being vulnerable again.
These unresolved feelings may be robbing them of the joy the holiday season can bring, says Tallman, who for the past nine years has conducted free seminars to help singles get through the holidays “joyously.”
The Orange-based marriage and family therapist contends that even when a divorce or breakup is wanted or warranted, it is common to feel abandoned. “Many people have hidden anger over being left to carry on without a mate.”
He advises singles to make a list of what or who has hurt them and who they feel is responsible. Then he asks them to list the ways in which they participated in the scenario. “Accountability is a powerful tool for freeing oneself of pain,” he believes.
According to Tallman, some people hold onto pain from past relationships for years, never confronting issues of isolation, anger or depression.
“People commonly compile a list of ‘shoulds’: ‘I should have done more to make the relationship work’; ‘I should have left him/her sooner’; ‘I should be over this by now.’ ‘Shoulds’ are pointless,” he says.
Although his two-part seminar--”Holidays for Singles: Joy or Despair,” to be offered at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove at 7 p.m. on Tuesday and Dec. 12--is conducted from a Christian point of view, Tallman insists his focus is not on religion.
“My purpose is to provide tools so that singles can put the past behind them, bring the present into perspective and create new traditions for the future. Yesterday is history, and while we might not be happy about the past it is a steppingstone to our future--the people we meet today can become our friends and ‘family’ tomorrow.”
One way to create new traditions, he suggests, is to alter the way you celebrate the holiday season.
“If you and your partner used to open your presents on Christmas Eve, open them on Christmas Day. Or change your holiday decorations. Make a project out of making new ones. If you have kids, get them involved.”
For unpartnered singles separated from family, Tallman recommends inviting other unpartnered friends, neighbors and co-workers to a “gift-opening party with everyone bringing gifts sent by faraway family and loved ones. With each gift that is opened, share something about the person who sent it and their relationship to you.”
Colleen Todd, an advertising copywriter from Corona del Mar, returned to Orange County just before Christmas last year after living in Chicago for 14 years. With close family and friends living so far away, she faced her first Christmas alone in years. She took an important step to break out of her isolation.
“People where I worked were nice enough, but most were married and wrapped up with their own lives. In Chicago I had lots of resources, but here I felt really isolated. So I planned a Christmas caroling party and hand-delivered invitations to all my neighbors up and down the block. I invited all the single people I knew and asked them to bring friends. Much to my surprise, not only did I have a full house, but everybody brought friends, family and food! People still talk about how much fun it was. I created a new tradition, and it got me through an otherwise lonely season.”
Tallman believes that although giving to others is admirable, learning to receive is also important--especially during the holiday season. Many people are so busy running around doing for others, he says, that they forget to be good to themselves.
“For every gift you buy someone else, buy a little something for yourself--nail clippers, a new lipstick, a pair of socks. Wrap them or put them in your stocking and save them for Christmas Day or Hanukkah.”
But most important, he reminds singles, is to focus on the real meaning of the holiday season--”a time to revitalize the human spirit and dedicate ourselves to a new year of personal growth and inner peace.”