Squeeze Play Means Donning a Uniform to These Players
ROUTE 35 OR OVER, Fla.-- “Look, Lefty,” the manager of the St. Augustine Support Hose said. “I know you been out of baseball for a while. I know you can’t even chew tobacco anymore because you ain’t got no teeth.”
“Yep,” Lefty said.
“I know you had a fine career for the Braves, both in Milwaukee and Boston.”
“Yep,” Lefty said.
“I know you knew Doubleday before he was a book company.”
“Yep,” Lefty said.
“But Lefty, if we’re going to get people to take this Senior Baseball League of ours seriously, we have to look, act and play like real major leaguers. Understand?”
“Nope,” Lefty said.
“Well, take yesterday’s game, for instance.”
“What about yesterday’s game?”
“Lefty, you never showed up for yesterday’s game.”
“Missed mah train,” Lefty said.
“Your train. I hate to break this to you, Lefty, but they have these new things now. They’re called airplanes. They leave Miami every hour. Got it?”
“Yep,” Lefty said.
“And that’s another thing--why do you have to live in Miami?”
“Mah grandchildren’s there,” Lefty said.
“You signed a contract to play professional baseball, Lefty. You’re getting paid to play baseball, not baby-sit.”
“Got the youngest one darn near potty-trained,” Lefty said.
“Never mind about that. Mind telling me about those shoes?”
“Mah shoes?”
“Yes, Lefty--your shoes. The rest of us wear very nice white shoes with sharp metal cleats. What do you call those brown things on your feet with the thick rubber soles?”
“Orthopedic,” Lefty said.
“Oh, Lefty.”
“Mah bunions hurt bad.”
“Lefty, Lefty, Lefty. The other day you lined one off the first baseman’s mitt and took you 2 1/2 minutes to run to first base.”
“Yeah, but it took the pitcher three minutes to cover the bag.”
“Also, your drug test came up positive. What the heck you been taking?”
“Must be them kidney pills,” Lefty said.
“Frankly, Lefty, we’re not sure we can keep you on the roster. We got a big series coming up next weekend against the Palm Beach Ancient Mariners, and we need some fresh blood around here. Not tired blood. Fresh blood. Understand?”
“What?”
“I said--UNDERSTAND?”
“Don’t you raise your voice to me, you young whippersnapper,” Lefty said. “I was playing this game when you were knee-high to Eddie Gaedel.”
“Look, Lefty. I know this Senior Baseball League sounds like a lot of fun, but it’s also a serious business. We charge admission. We owe the public a good performance. We can’t use a ballplayer who uses his bat for a cane.”
“A crane? Where’s a crane?”
“CANE! Cane, Lefty! Put your blasted hearing aid in!”
“All right, all right.”
“That’s a brand new hearing aid, ain’t it?”
“Yep.”
“What kind is it?”
“Oh, about 4:30,” Lefty said, looking at his watch.
“You worry me, Lefty. You don’t even know our signs.”
“Do, too,” Lefty said.
“Do not.”
“Do, too.”
“Oh, yeah? Well, how come when the third-base coach told you to lay down a bunt the other day, you swung and missed?”
“I thought he wanted me to hit and run,” Lefty said.
“See? You don’t know the signs.”
“I know the signs,” Lefty said. “I just can’t see the signs.”
“We can’t have this, Lefty. With half the players in this league, the hit-and-run is more like a hit-and-jog. The infielders can’t bend over for the grounders. The outfielders are off with the crack of their backs. The catchers can’t squat. And the pitchers! The pitchers only got two pitches--an eephus pitch and a change-up.”
“Gimme another chance, skip.”
“I’d like to, Lefty. I really would. But we got a chance to sign Dave Kingman to a contract. Do you honestly think you can outplay Dave Kingman?”
“That the Dave Kingman who used to play for the Giants and Cubs and Yankees and everybody?”
“It is.”
“Yep, him I can outplay,” Lefty said.
“Oh, Lefty. Jim Rice wants to play in our league. We got Ken Landreaux, Len Randle, Bake McBride. These are still pretty young men. And who knows? We might get Darrell Evans, Steve Carlton, maybe even Nolan Ryan!”
“I think Feller wants to play,” Lefty said.
“Come on, now.”
“Kiner, too.”
“Let’s be serious here, Lefty.”
“I could call up DiMaggio for you.”
“Joe DiMaggio?”
“No, Ralph DiMaggio. He’s my butcher in Miami. Of course Joe DiMaggio.”
“Imagine that--me, managing Joe DiMaggio!”
“Think of the crowds we’d draw,” Lefty said.
“Yeah.”
“Think of the publicity we’d get.”
“Yeah.”
“We could even hold a young-timers game.”
“Sure.”
“You know what my favorite part of this Senior League is?” Lefty asked.
“What’s that?”
“They don’t take Social Security out of your check.”