Well, Geez, It Could Have Been Worse : The President has been freed. Dan Quayle and Colombia’s leader are still in a drug lord’s lair, but we have a plan.

The following is an excerpt from the testimony of White House Chief of Staff John H. Sununu before the Committee of National Inquiry on the Cartagena Incident.

Chairman: Whose idea was it that the President should go to Colombia?

Sununu: At the time, everyone. It beat meeting the Russians in a hurricane in the Mediterranean. However, since the unfortunate incident with the President, I’ve checked with my staff and the Cabinet and they all assure me they were against it.

C: There must have been some reason.

S: Of course. To show solidarity with President Barco in his war against the Colombian drug lords. To show how close he and Bush are.

C: Did you accomplish that goal at least?

S: Absolutely. The two Presidents spent more than 72 hours alone with one another.

C: You mean while they were handcuffed together?

S: Yes, but they had a chance to talk each time the tape was taken off their mouths so they could eat.

C: Every day there are bombings and shootings in Colombia. Didn’t you expect a security problem?

S: Certainly. But the Army was busy cleaning the streets in Panama. The CIA has its hands full updating “Who’s Who in Eastern Europe.” The Colombians refused to let us deploy the Navy, so the Secret Service had to handle it alone. Nobody expected that President Bush would sneak out at midnight for a round of horseshoes, but that’s the kind of wild and crazy guy he is.

C: And that’s when he and President Barco were kidnaped by the Medellin cartel?

S: The perpetrators were Colombians dressed like the Filipino stewards from the White House Mess.

C: When was President Quayle notified?

S: Correction. He never actually became President.

C: But he decided to offer himself in exchange . . . .

S: That’s another misunderstanding. The secretary of defense ordered him to go.

C: On what basis?

S: He mobilized Quayle’s National Guard Unit.

C: Well, we’re all grateful that Mr. Bush is back home. When will he be able to assume his duties in the Oval Office?

S: No one knows the long-term effect of three days of being bombarded with salsa music at full volume. A decision on his return to the presidency will have to be made later.

C: By whom?

S: Acting President Baker.

C: Is the acting President optimistic about freeing Vice President Quayle?

S: He’s taking charge of negotiations, but he warns we must never make concessions to narcoterrorists.

C: What about President Barco? Don’t we share some responsibility for trying to get him released?

S: We feel that keenly, Mr. Chairman, and we have devised a plan that will save us a lot of embarrassment.

C: How will you do that?

S: To get back President Barco, we’re going to send them someone they really want to get their hands on.

C: Who?

S: Manuel Noriega.