What Real Estate Ads Really Mean
“Look, honey, here’s a good one,” I said to my husband, pointing to an ad in the Sunday newspaper. “Priced below market . . . Decorator perfect. . . .”
“Yes,” he reminded me, “I remember the last one we looked at that was ‘decorator perfect.’ That was the one with the leopard-skin fabric on the master bedroom walls, the crystal chandelier in the laundry room and the pink marble entryway.”
“You’re right,” I sighed. “I’m sure it’s a dud.”
I’s happy with our family home and we’re not looking for a new one. But my husband and I still love to look at the real estate ads. We have bought and sold several properties in the past 10 years, so I consider myself fairly aware of the real estate market.
However, there is one aspect of home buying that still keeps me guessing. I always get hooked by those newspaper ads that describe the properties and their attributes. You know, those cute little blurbs that leap out and catch your eye, starting you thinking that this has got to be too good to be true. And it usually is.
I have been fooled by those devious descriptions enough times now that I am getting to know exactly what they really mean. So I’ll share with you my definitions of some of the more commonly used descriptions:
Perfect for handyman. The place is barely standing. This is the kind of house the movie “The Money Pit” was based on.
Almost new. Kind of like almost pregnant.
Real charmer. Something your grandmother would have loved. Everything is old and original, including the wiring, plumbing and the roof.
Motivated seller. Desperate to get out of this dump and into some place decent.
Cute as a button. A perfect house for the Care Bears to live in.
Low-maintenance yard. Concrete and wood chips give this home the ambience of a prison site.
Open and airy. There is a slight problem with the roof--but just think, you won’t need air conditioning.
Architect’s own. Spacey, trendy, and unique. This house is great if you like triangular kitchens, lofts, and waterfalls in the bathroom.
Close to the freeways. Are those tire tracks in the front yard?
Rustic. The bathroom is out back.
Private back yard. There is a steep hill rising for 300 feet almost directly outside your back door.
Unobstructable ocean view. There is no such thing.
Great little starter. For those people who are desperate to get into their first home, and aren’t too picky.
Great potential. If you have an extremely large bank account and an even larger imagination.
Fixer-upper. Don’t even ask. If they are brave enough to call it a fixer in the newspaper, you know this place has serious problems.
Hot new listing. If it’s that hot, why is it even in the paper?
Woodsy lot. The trees haven’t been trimmed in 30 years. The home is dark, creepy and smells suspiciously of mildew.
Perfect family home. Comes complete with intercoms, laundry chutes and crayon drawings on the walls. Has a smell of animals that won’t ever come out unless you level the place.
Love to entertain? An 800-square-foot house with an illegal 600-square-foot family room added on.
Back on the market. The last buyers wised up and got out before the deal closed.
Price reduced. They haven’t found any suckers yet who will pay the outrageous asking price.
Pride of ownership. It’s too bad the owner likes gold foil wallpaper and fake wood paneling.
Unique, one-of-a-kind. You will never resell this one.
Beach bungalow. 900 square feet fixer-upper for $525,000. And they’ve got 15 offers.
Good starter, room to add on. A teeny tiny house, but great if you are a family of very short people with high-paying jobs.
Owner anxious. He must know something we don’t.
Close to shopping. Walk out your front door and right into the parking lot of a mini-mall.
Original owner. This is a house that has avocado green appliances and tile in the kitchen, gold shag wall-to-wall carpeting, huge swag lamps that weigh about 400 pounds each, aluminum sliding doors, and pink and green bathrooms with the original linoleum. The place is a museum to the ‘50s.
