Children’s Analyst Says Self-Esteem Is No Joke

Don’t invite Carole Bunge and cartoonist Gary Trudeau to the same party.

Trudeau, you might remember, had great fun a couple of years ago in his “Doonesbury” strip lampooning the state Legislature’s creation of something called the California Task Force to Promote Self-Esteem, Personal and Social Responsibility. While Bunge may not agree with everything involved with the commission, she is adamant that self-esteem is central to a great many of the social ills our society faces. And certainly nothing to make light of in the funny papers.

“Criminal behavior, drug use, teen-age pregnancies, failure in school, failure on the job, failure in relationships--you name it,” she says. “All are rooted in self-esteem problems.”

A longtime psychotherapist specializing in children, Bunge believes that no real dent is going to be made in any of the problems until we recognize and deal with those roots.

She conducts workshops in self-esteem exclusively for children in her private practice in Laguna Hills but by no means thinks adults are free of difficulties: “Most of us spend half of our lives trying to shake off the self-esteem problems that our parents had, or the ones they inflicted on us.”

How do parents “inflict” low self-esteem on children? Usually without meaning to do so, she says: “They do it by being overly critical or too demanding. They do it by not respecting their children as people, by being negative all the time, by not taking them seriously, by not listening to them, by making them feel guilty all the time, by making their love a conditional one.”

That’s not counting damage that’s done with physical or sexual abuse.

The cure, Bunge says, sounds simple, but it takes a little work: “The parents must be loving and accepting. They must listen to the child, show him or her that what they say--or, even more importantly, what they feel--has some significance.

“They must give the child encouragement and support and give them responsibilities within age limits.”

And yes, she says, it is possible to help the child even if the parents aren’t willing to look at themselves or make positive changes--although obviously it helps if they’re willing to make it a family affair.

Bunge makes her workshops fun for children, using a combination of art, theater and meditation. Her goals are to help them build positive self-concepts, to learn how to turn negative thoughts into positive ones and, maybe even most important, “to both like and love themselves.”

The children write and talk about mistakes they have made and learn how to forgive themselves--and others--for them. But it’s the positive that is stressed at all times. They write down a negative thought--”I am dumb,” for example--and are told to turn it around. It becomes “I am smart.”

“If you believe you are dumb and can’t do something, then you are defeated before you even begin,” Bunge says. “But if you believe that you can do something, even though it might take a little more effort, you will do it.”

She points to just one of the problems that self-esteem would resolve for many children: teen-age pregnancy.

“Study after study shows many of them get pregnant on purpose,” she says. “They want a child for a couple of reasons. One, it will give some meaning to their own lives, some worth. And, they will have someone who will give them unconditional love and to whom they can give unconditional love.”

Those studies, among others, were what converted conservative state Sen. John Seymour (R-Anaheim) from his initial opposition to the state task force. Seymour, who specializes in issues dealing with alcohol and drug abuse among youngsters, said he found that low self-esteem is a “common thread” binding together teen pregnancy, drug dependency and so on.

He said the mere fact that the task force recommended ways to heighten self-esteem and offered recommendations to the public “will accomplish some real good.”

As the statute on self-esteem that resulted from the panel’s work says: “Increased self-esteem tends to enable persons to become more confident, creative, productive and successful, which, in turn, translates into a society which is healthier, safer, more productive and less costly.”

But opposition is still strong in some areas, especially in Orange County. Consequently, the Board of Supervisors refused to endorse or join the task force. Orange County is one of just two counties in the state that have not formed a county self-esteem panel.

Several school districts, however--notably Capistrano Valley in South County--have started their own self-esteem programs, but not without first overcoming a court challenge by a group of parents.

Why, one might ask, in light of studies showing the need--and with the legislative measure being passed unanimously and signed by the governor--is there so much opposition?

“The only thing I can figure,” Bunge says, “is that parents see it as therapy and feel threatened by it, feel that their authority is being challenged.

“It’s truly a tragedy.”