Marriage Can Be Better for Those Trying 2nd Time With Each Other

Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton did it.

Natalie Wood and Robert Wagner did it.

Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson did it just last year.

And so did Barbara and Bobby Carr.

Although the Carrs, a Maryland couple, cannot be counted among celebrity twosomes, they do have the distinction--as do those Hollywood duos--of having married, divorced and remarried each other.

The Carrs were married the first time on Jan. 1, 1981; that was the second marriage for both and brought together his son and her two daughters from their respective first marriages.

The two separated in May, 1987, divorced in February, 1989, and remarried quietly in a civil ceremony in June, 1989, and in a public, religious ceremony Oct. 7.

“Now we’re happy and we choose to be together because we want to be, not because we need to be,” said Bobby Carr, 46.

“We paid a high price, (but) the reward is amazing,” said Barbara Carr, 41.

They communicate better now, she says. There is more honesty in the relationship, and they realize how lucky they are to have another chance at a life that was good for several years.

How many couples get back together after divorcing seems impossible to say. The National Center for Health Statistics, which tracks marriages and divorces, does not count this subgroup. The Carrs’ relationship turned sour on Bobby’s “alcohol problem,” which worsened during the six years of their first marriage, he said, “and continued to intrude on our life,” especially during the last 18 months they were together.

When Barbara “got tired of trying,” she left, he said. It was May 15, 1987. Bobby remembers the date without hesitation.

“I was not at all happy about her leaving, but in a way she did me a great favor,” he said. “It took that kind of emotional shock for me to hit bottom.”

Bobby’s life took a turn for the better on Sept. 3, 1987, when he began attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and “worked that program eagerly.” He also made up his mind “that there was a way to reconcile with Barb.”

But their lives apart took several more turns--including a new relationship for Barbara--before they turned back to one another. In June, 1988, she filed for divorce, but it was not granted because Bobby refused to agree that “there was no chance of reconciliation,” as the law requires.

Eight months later, in early 1989, Bobby agreed to the divorce and it became final. Barbara remembers that she was anything but happy. While still in the office of the master (an attorney appointed to review divorce agreements before they go to a judge), she recalls thinking: “I don’t want this. I really still love this person.

“I cried the whole weekend.”

“The only remaining link (between them) was the automobile she was driving that was in my name,” he said.

When Bobby called to suggest that she refinance the car in her name, he found out that Barbara had ended the relationship she had been involved in. Bobby seized the moment and asked her for a date. She agreed. That was in April.

The former husband and wife continued to date, to talk, to try to work things out.

Early in May, Bobby went to Seattle for five days. They missed each other “a lot” and began to keep “extremely steady company thereafter,” Bobby says, although they continued to live apart. “We talked about the possibility of getting married again.”

Again, Bobby seized the moment. He went to the courthouse and got a marriage license, which is valid for six months. When he brought it to Barbara, she put it in a drawer. Then, in June, she said, “let’s go over to the courthouse and get married.” It was the day of her older daughter’s high school graduation.

So, after the graduation on June 13, Barbara and Bobby Carr were married again. But they didn’t tell anyone. And they didn’t move in together until the end of summer. Several weeks after the courthouse marriage, they told the children, who were thrilled. (The Carrs had no children from their earlier marriage to each other.) Then they told Barbara’s parents, who were also happy, and finally their close friends.

Although it is nearly impossible to categorize couples who recouple, the Carrs fit at least one criteria identified by doctors and counselors who have worked with such people. Their relationship underwent an obvious change: Bobby’s successful battle with the bottle.

Couples who undergo behavioral changes are among those ripe for recoupling, says JoAnn Magdoff, a NewYork psychotherapist who has worked with similar couples. She identifies two more groups of people predisposed to getting back together:

- Those who married young and feel that life is passing them by. These people often divorce and go out into the world only to find that the grass wasn’t so brown at home. So they remarry. “They’re sowing their wild oats in the middle (of a marriage),” Magdoff says.

- Couples with an extensive history, particularly those with children. “Who else was there when your child was born? No one else who you meet later shares that,” she says.