It Takes Work to Find Right Date, Expert Says

Jeffrey Ullman is a dating expert. As the founder and president of the Great Expectations Dating Service, he oversees the largest video dating service in the world.

With 6,000 marriages among members reported in his 14 years with the service, Ullman is the source to ask about being single in today’s society.

“It’s not your imagination that it’s harder these days to find someone; it really is harder,” Ullman says.

People are alone much more than before, because they marry for the first time later in their lives, divorce is more common and people live longer. These events create fierce competition among eligible singles, according to Ullman.

“There are 72 million singles--one out of every three adults--attempting to find Mr. or Miss Right,” he says.

He predicts that by the year 2000 half of all adults will be single, and says that today’s singles are more isolated than ever because of career or family responsibilities.

But staying home will never stop you from feeling lonely, he says. “People think that romance is by chance, that their perfect mate will just drop out of the sky into their lives, but it is not so.”

Single people have to do their homework and find out where the kind of person they want to meet goes and then go there, he says.

“In any other area of life, if you want something--the right job, the right house, even the right wardrobe--you’ve got to go out and research, locate and compare,” he says, and looking for love is no different.

“You have to take personal responsibility for your love search,” he says.

The greatest pitfalls to attracting love are attitude and lack of action, according to Ullman, who says people are afraid not only of rejection but equally of acceptance.

“Some people are great daters but not great relaters,” he says. “Fear of love is based on a fear of losing the person, and that fear can result in dating behavior that comes off as defensive, arrogant or indifferent.

“Anybody can ‘wow’ somebody on the first or second date because they put their best foot forward, everything is new and exciting. But in athletic terms, being a long-distance sprinter is what counts.”

He points out that most singles are reluctant to follow through on instinct: “You’re shopping. You see someone attractive. You look at him, he looks at you. You’re embarrassed. You look away, he looks away. Later, you both kick yourselves because you’ve blown a possibility.”

He encourages people to take risks. “What you should do,” he says, “is give a smile of recognition, hold the smile, maintain eye contact, and say something simple, like ‘Hi.’ ”

Conversation is at the heart of falling in love, Ullman says, and “dialogue must flow on four different levels”:

* A first date is for fact-finding, not interrogation. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no response (“Tell me about the town you grew up in?”) and steer clear of questions that relate to personal income, home and property ownership.

* On a subsequent date, talk about what is happening now; the restaurant you are dining in, sports, a movie you just saw, a book you’ve read.

* Next, inquire into the other person’s standards and values, but avoid a machine-gun approach. Try to find out how they view the world and their perceived role in it, but resist the urge to judge.

* You are now ready to exchange more personal information: your fears, concerns, hopes, dreams and expectations.

Want to leave a lasting impression on your date? Ullman suggests that you give your undivided attention.

“People are often voracious talkers but poor listeners, so wrapped up in what they want to say that they don’t really hear the other person.

“And if you want to enchant him or her, the next time you are dining in a restaurant, deep in conversation, go right on talking when the waiter comes to your table. Just ignore him for a few minutes. He’ll wait. And your date will never forget that you put him or her first.”