Uh, Tom . . . You Sure You Want to Do This?

Mr. Tom Werner Head Honcho Carsey-Werner Productions Studio City

Dear Tom:

How goes it, big guy? How are the overnights looking? Shooting any hot pilots? Done lunch lately?

I know, you don’t have time for a lot of small talk.

I’ll get to the point.

It’s about the Padres . . . your baseball team. I know, you don’t own them yet. That’s the point I’m getting to.

Is it too late?

Can you get out of the deal? Are you sure you don’t want the Clippers? Or Great American? Or Trump Plaza Casino? Or how about just taking your share of that $75 million and putting it on the “Don’t Pass” line at the Trump Plaza Casino? You win, and you own the place.

You may not know what I’m talking about, since I don’t think they have box scores and, more importantly, the National League standings in Variety .

As it turns out, buying the Padres may be a little bit like betting Mister Frisky in the Kentucky Derby. Like Mister Frisky, your baseball team seems to be getting lost around the clubhouse turn.

You know what it’s like when you put together a television show and all the sets click off after the first commercial break?

That’s the way things are going.

You still have a team in that rotisserie league? I hope so. If you do, you’re all right if you have a few Padres . . . but not all of them.

I went out to check on your pending investment Wednesday afternoon. You Hollywood guys into good news-bad news gigs? The good news was that they were in second place, but the bad news was that they were nine games behind after five weeks. Let the stock market fall that far that fast, and guys are standing on ledges. If the Padres were a television show, you would have canceled them.

They were playing the Philadelphia Phillies, which happens to be a version of a Padre Alumni Club. Guys such as John Kruk, Carmelo Martinez, Randy Ready and Dickie Thon went to Philadelphia little knowing that they were going to the contender.

Philadelphia threw this 29-year-old pitcher who came into the season 30-41 career, 17-22 on the road, 9-11 in day games, 18-22 on grass, 5-7 against the Padres and 2-4 in the stadium. They figured to bomb him, right? He gave up one run and three hits in 6 2/3 innings.

Meanwhile, the Phillies got rolling in the first inning with a home run by a string bean named Von Hayes. The guy is no slouch, but you should know that anyone can hit a home run against the Padres. Heck, one of your stars, Roseanne, would have a shot. Padre pitchers have given up 40 home runs in 34 games. At that rate, you’ll lose money on baseballs alone.

When the Phillies led, 5-1, going into the seventh-inning stretch, most of the fans stood up and sang, “Take Me Out to a Ball Game.” One forlorn voice yelled, “Wake up, Padres.”

In the bottom of the seventh, the Padres put together the most boring threat I have ever seen. The first two guys struck out, and the next three guys walked. You know how exciting it is to watch five guys in a row come to the plate without hitting a fair ball? Then a .336 hitter sat on the bench while a .250 hitter popped to second to end the threat with the only struck ball of the inning.

I have to concede that there was a bit of drama toward the end. Your heroes awakened with two runs in the eighth and trailed, 6-4, with runners on second and third and one out in the ninth.

And then, inexplicably, they started hitting the ball too hard.

Bip Roberts, who looks more like a child star than a baseball star, lashed a line drive to center for a single. The runner on second, the tying runner, couldn’t score because it was hit too hard. And so the score was 6-5. Then Tony Gwynn hit the ball harder than he had all day, but straight to the Philadelphia shortstop for a game-ending double play.

You may have a bit of trouble relating to this, because things don’t turn out this way in your business. This “show” took two hours and 47 minutes, and the bad guys still came out on top. You have 30 minutes to find a way for good to prevail, which it invariably does.

In baseball, this is known as another L. In the Padres’ case, the Ls lead the Ws, 18-16. This is also known as being two games under .500. This is also known as mediocre.

The problem is that this team is already from here to Malibu behind Cincinnati, a team run by a car dealer and a St. Bernard. By the time you and your group are confirmed as owners, we may be looking at double-digit games behind.

Before this transaction is finalized, maybe you should say, “Hey, wait a minute, do you mind if I check under the hood?” Or, “Hey, I’d like to take a look at the script before we commit to shooting a pilot.” Or, “Agghhhh, at least I had Cecil Fielder in my rotisserie league.”

All that is probably too late now.

For better or worse, this will soon be your baseball team to have and to hold.

That being the case, let me suggest a way you might open your inaugural address.

If things don’t turn around, try something like, “Wait until next year.”